An easy step you can take to overcome perfectionism is to observe yourself and recognize when your mind is desiring to do something perfect. I've noticed this takes a lot of patience with myself, but the key is to make a habit of noticing when it is that you feel most stressed out during the day due to perfectionism.
Once you recognize these thoughts and really observe what's going on during these moments, you can really get a grasp on what's triggering your perfection. Whether it be cleaning your house, making a meal, planning a party or perhaps closing a deal at work, all of these situations can be pretty stressful to the perfectionist. But the key is to observe when it is that really gets you frustrated, and make note of it. The more you observe yourself and get a grip on when these moments occur, the more you learn. You'll begin to see patterns and then you can take action on them. The point is, once you notice these patterns you can then start to control them and break free from them.
My advice is that you start writing down these moments. Keep a journal. Do whatever it takes to start observing when and where your perfectionism starts taking over your mind.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Don't pass perfectionism onto your kids
Parents passing physical traits to their children is certainly an inevitable thing. One can't really avoid that. However passing character traits is something that can be controlled, especially if that trait is something like perfectionism.
I already know that my middle child who is 9 is a stemming flower waiting to bloom into a perfectionist. She certainly got my genes on that one. She is one to get mad if her books aren't lined up correctly, let alone in alphabetical order from tallest to shortest. She's the type that will get mad if her little sister comes in and messes up her "perfect room." Without knowing, I've somehow passed on those tendencies through my own expectations and behaviors. Either way, there's no sense blaming myself, but rather, realize the problem and get it corrected.
What I've learned is that even at that this young age, I CAN help my child deal with perfectionism, letting her know that while it's wonderful to begin with this grand vision, it's also ok if the end result is different than the original plan. I've also been real honest with her, telling her that I'm dealing with the same types of thoughts and letting her know that it's something I'm trying to overcome.
Part of my healing with my own perfectionism, is seeing what direct effect it is playing on my children. And let me tell you, it's certainly kicking me in the butt, and jump starting what was before just a semi-active movement into a "hurry up and get over this thing." Some advice today- don't pass perfectionism onto your kids. It's bad enough to have one perfectionist in the family, let alone any more.
I already know that my middle child who is 9 is a stemming flower waiting to bloom into a perfectionist. She certainly got my genes on that one. She is one to get mad if her books aren't lined up correctly, let alone in alphabetical order from tallest to shortest. She's the type that will get mad if her little sister comes in and messes up her "perfect room." Without knowing, I've somehow passed on those tendencies through my own expectations and behaviors. Either way, there's no sense blaming myself, but rather, realize the problem and get it corrected.
What I've learned is that even at that this young age, I CAN help my child deal with perfectionism, letting her know that while it's wonderful to begin with this grand vision, it's also ok if the end result is different than the original plan. I've also been real honest with her, telling her that I'm dealing with the same types of thoughts and letting her know that it's something I'm trying to overcome.
Part of my healing with my own perfectionism, is seeing what direct effect it is playing on my children. And let me tell you, it's certainly kicking me in the butt, and jump starting what was before just a semi-active movement into a "hurry up and get over this thing." Some advice today- don't pass perfectionism onto your kids. It's bad enough to have one perfectionist in the family, let alone any more.
Friday, November 29, 2013
Break free from perfectionism
Over the last couple of months I have been talking about strategies to re-frame the ways you think. For me, I struggled with complete unrealistic expectations that I was merely passing off as attainable. However, I've been able to retrain myself on how to think about those expectations. Retrain my thoughts, so perfection is not even part of the equation.
To do this, I:
To do this, I:
- Realized the problem
- Focused on the intention and not the outcome
- Acknowledge "Good enough" strategies
- Work on it every day to break free
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Change Happens
Change is inevitably a part of life. When we realize that change is not something to be feared, but rather an opportunity, we can start to let go of the fear of change. I look back at my life even 10 years ago, and I was certainly a different person that I am today. However it was change that forced me to grow, change that forced me to become a better person than I was. At the age of 30, I was faced with a divorce from my husband who was cheating on me, 3 young kids to care for on my own, a house I couldn't afford, and a budget that was less than permissible for a family of 4. At my lowest point, I was down on my knees, praying to God for a change. It was that door that God opened that ended up changing my life.
Looking back, I know that that point was also a major inflation point for my perfectionism. Being a single mom, having to now care for, and feed my children all by myself was this huge underlying task. I didn't have anyone to help, to take over, to let me let go. I had to do it all. All by myself. And that's when it really started. Sub-consciously, my brain was telling my body to do everything and do it perfectly. Maybe if I was perfect, I wouldn't fail. Maybe if I was perfect, I could be a perfect mom to my kids. Maybe if I was perfect, I wouldn't be in this situation. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks.
Oh my gosh. I was spending all this time trying to be perfect, and all I had to really do, is realize that none of that was true. My divorce, my situation, my thinking that I wasn't a good mother; that had nothing to do with me not being perfect. It was about God creating change for me, so I could inevitably be who I was destined to be. He was simply closing that door, and opening another. In that current situation, I couldn't be all that he had planned for me. And look at me now. I am a changed person. I am blessed with the most beautiful and amazing life ever. I am blessed with knowing that I have to change my ways, and stop this perfection. Change Happens. Embrace it.
Looking back, I know that that point was also a major inflation point for my perfectionism. Being a single mom, having to now care for, and feed my children all by myself was this huge underlying task. I didn't have anyone to help, to take over, to let me let go. I had to do it all. All by myself. And that's when it really started. Sub-consciously, my brain was telling my body to do everything and do it perfectly. Maybe if I was perfect, I wouldn't fail. Maybe if I was perfect, I could be a perfect mom to my kids. Maybe if I was perfect, I wouldn't be in this situation. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks.
Oh my gosh. I was spending all this time trying to be perfect, and all I had to really do, is realize that none of that was true. My divorce, my situation, my thinking that I wasn't a good mother; that had nothing to do with me not being perfect. It was about God creating change for me, so I could inevitably be who I was destined to be. He was simply closing that door, and opening another. In that current situation, I couldn't be all that he had planned for me. And look at me now. I am a changed person. I am blessed with the most beautiful and amazing life ever. I am blessed with knowing that I have to change my ways, and stop this perfection. Change Happens. Embrace it.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Change the way you view failure
I believe a lot of perfectionists view failure as a bad thing. Many of us were raised to believe that if we fail at something, we either are failures, or don't have much self-worth. However in reality, it's through failure that real learning occurs. I think so many times I was so afraid of failing, that I just figured that if I strive for perfection than I wouldn't fail. I was wrong. Failure is just God's way of giving you growth opportunities.
Overcoming perfection has a lot do with changing the way you view failure. When things don't work out the way you thought they were going to, don't look at that as a failure, but really as a growth opportunity. Part of changing this behavior involves you accepting that mistakes are part of the journey.
No matter what it is that you have set out to achieve for yourself, there's always going to be mistakes, downfalls, times when you are going to get it wrong, things you could have done better.
However, instead of dwelling on what could have been, or what should have been, take the opportunity to learn from these moments and then move on. Change the way you view failure and start living life.
Overcoming perfection has a lot do with changing the way you view failure. When things don't work out the way you thought they were going to, don't look at that as a failure, but really as a growth opportunity. Part of changing this behavior involves you accepting that mistakes are part of the journey.
No matter what it is that you have set out to achieve for yourself, there's always going to be mistakes, downfalls, times when you are going to get it wrong, things you could have done better.
However, instead of dwelling on what could have been, or what should have been, take the opportunity to learn from these moments and then move on. Change the way you view failure and start living life.
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