Perfect Conversations

In my head I tend to have perfect conversations.  Meaning, I've researched what I'm going to say, repeated it in my mind, changed around a few things and practiced and molded what I think is a perfect conversation. That happened to me today.

I wanted to have a "serious" talk about girls, love...whatever else came to mind...with my eleven year old son.  I had constructed the perfect conversation, of how I wanted to talk to him...where I was going to talk to him, how I was going to start off..what exactly I was going to say. I even researched an article about "how to talk to your kids about love." And so I began.. about 2 minutes into the conversation, I was completely losing him. Eyes rolling behind the head, thumbs twiddling, knees shaking. I knew I needed to do some differently.  My "perfect" conversation, was not so perfect. And I was looking like the idiot.  

My husband came into the room and said my God, it looks like you just told him his dog died. He was right. What I had molded in my head was clearly not the way I had planned it out or thought it was going to go.  My husband took over and within a few bright words, turned my son around and before you know it had him smiling.  That indeed was the perfect conversation I thought.

My point is, we've all had those moments, where we think of how we're going to say something, have something perfectly planned out, and the situation presents itself completely different. My learning moment today was to realize that I'm not perfect, there is no way to mold a perfect conversation. There is no way to tell exactly how a situation is going to take off, and you just need to go with it.  Just go from the heart and speak what feels right at that given moment. 

Can't control the unknown

One of the biggest things I'm working on is trying to let go of the fact that I can't control the unknown.  I can't control what does not exist. That is, I can't control the future.  As a perfectionist, and as I mentioned before, I try to plan what's going to happen next, when really, no one knows with certainty what is going to happen next. There is no way to predict the future, or what it holds.  We can certainly shape our events and mold them to what we think or how we want the future to look like, but there are so many unknowns.

So instead of trying to control the future or having a delusion that that is possible, instead I'm working to accept this fact, and have trust in who I am and what I've done already. I'm accepting that I can't control the unknown. It's called life.

How much time do you spend planning?

As a perfectionist, I tend to spend a lot of time planning the inevitable, making sure that I'm ready for anything that comes my way. Prepared for every situation.  My husband jokes with me that my car has everything and anything I would ever need for every situation.  And that's just how I like it.  Jackets in case it gets cold. Umbrellas in case it rains. Sunscreen for hot days. Blankets, extra clothes, probably a water bottle or two, sweatshirts and the list goes on.

But as I look at this I wonder if it's my excessive attention to detail, or if I'm really spending too much time planning for every possible situation. I wonder if I spend too much time living in the future, and not the present.

I'm learning that this feeling of "control" is just an illusion. I can't really control what happens to me in the future, but I can learn how to deal with this in a positive manner.

If you're like me and find yourself planning the inevitable, I suggest you take a step back and figure out how much time you really are spending planning out every moment. It may just create some margin in your life that you have been looking for.

When is taking it personally too much?

As a perfectionist, I tend to take things pretty personally.  Every setback, criticism or small joke, tends to error on my personal side much more.  But when is it too much? When it starts affecting your life.

As I'm healing I'm really focusing on trying to be more resilient and not take things so personal.  I know that I've been guilty of taking things over the line.  As perfectionists, we tend to beat ourselves up, or take every mistake or misstep and turn it into "I'm not good enough."

Just the other day, I got really defensive when I was criticized for being too emotional.  And in reality, it's really about self image and developing it, and I need to let go of being that way.  I need to give up on trying to take control and defend myself from any threats and stop taking things personal.

Change