That moment you realize...

It's tough being a parent, I will be the first to admit.  But I also know it's just as tough being a kid. Today I was going through my 6th grader's backpack and found his empty wallet.  His wallet that once contained over $25 in cash and also a $25 gift card he got as a birthday present...completely empty.  I confronted my son and asked him what happened and why his wallet was empty and where everything went.  He confessed to me that he was bringing his wallet to school to buy stuff; pencils, small toys, supplies etc, from other kids.  Someone got wind of him having money at school and forced him to also give up his gift card.  Sad story, I know.  It's just one of those stories that kindof eats away at you, leaving you heart broken for a poor 6th grader who doesn't know better.

But the point of my story is this.  I think so many times as a perfectionist mom, I try to do the right thing, say the right thing, counsel the right away, and certainly discipline the right way.  But reality of this all is, is that life is not perfect.  I'm not always going to say the right thing or have things go the right way.  I'm not going to be perfect, and certainly, my son is not going to be perfect either.  Things are going to happen, mistakes are going to be made. 

But today, is the moment when my son texted me this morning, telling me he wanted to go home.  Go home because he felt guilty, go home because he was sad at what had happened, and go home because of how afraid he was that I was going to be mad.  It was that moment that I realized, nothing perfect was going to come out of this, so my mother instincts just came through. The best I can do is just be the best mom I can be today.   "Life is about learning, It's about making mistakes. Life is a learning game and we just have to move on and learn from it. Everything is going to be ok, and I'm not made at you. I love you. I'm just glad you are ok. It's all going to be ok."  That is what I texted back.

Life is definitely not perfect. That moment you realize that, and just allow yourself to accept the fact that mistakes are going to happen, is the moment we learn from it and just move on.

Learn to recognize perfectionism

I've talked about this before, but one of the first steps in overcoming perfectionism is to recognize those behaviors of perfectionism.  I think so many times we either mis-diagnose ourselves, or don't really understand all of the behaviors of perfectionism.  A lot of times these behaviors can be:

• overcompensating for errors
• over rehearsing for speeches, presentations
• excessive checking of work
• excessive reassuring of themselves
• excessive organizing
• failure to delegate

If you can say yes or check off any on this list, you can then begin to recognize the behavior patterns of perfectionism.  The reason it's so important to first recognize that is to be able to identify what it is you need to work on.  If you can relate to anything on that list then you can begin to correct it.

For instance I have a great need for organization.  I have list upon list, and if organization is not part of my daily life, I freak out.  Its gotten so bad that even my high standard I have set for myself with organization is so high, that it's impossible to even attain.  Recognizing that this is definitely an issue and inhibiting my life, I can then take action to correct that behavior. In areas of my life, I'm actually trying really hard not to be organized. It's not necessarily about changing the perfectionism as it is as changing the behavior.  I have to change my theory of this excessive need of control and once I can realize the unrealistic standard, then I can counter-correct my behavior and this need.  Its definitely not easy countering this behavior, but its one step in the right direction. 

Not enough?

Do you ever feel like you are not enough?  I know many times I've sat down and thought these exact words.  That everything I do, all that I give, somehow, I just don't feel like I'm enough.

I had the chance to watch Mom's Night Out this weekend, and if you haven't seen it, I certainly recommend it for any mom.  It touches on this very topic of being enough.  I think so many times we beat ourselves up on thinking that we are not enough, or somehow we are just destined to fail.  As a mom, that can certainly be the case, as a perfectionist mom, it reigns so often as true.

Jesus didn't make a mistake with us when he created us, he loves us for who we are.  And the only thing we have to be is enough for ourselves.  He'll take care of the rest.

Life is about finding the joy, the meaning, the purpose in all that life has to offer, even through all of the chaos.  So if you are questioning if you are enough, just like I do many times in my life, the answer is yes.  Yes, you are enough.  You are what God intended you to be.  

I can't do it all

Sometimes hidden in my mind, I have this feeling, that I can do it all.  I can do everything.  Meaning, I can wear multiple hats and not skip a beat. I think a lot of time, perfectionists think “I got this, I can do it all”.  We pile on more than what we can handle, and try to bite off more than we can chew.  Realistically though, I can not do it all. I cannot do everything.  I am only one person.  

I’m a mom, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a Director, and sometimes (A taxi cab driver, psychologist, babysitter, chef, peace-maker, a doctor, and all the other jobs that come along with being a mom of three kids.) People ask me all the time “How do you do it all?” I just tell them, “I don’t”.  There are definitely things that I’ve learned over the years that help me at least stay on top of it all, or perhaps even seem like I do it all have. These include

1. Making Lists- I have lists upon lists, but keeping track of everything helps me stay grounded, and on task
2. Delegating- Through learning that I can’t do it all, I’ve also learned that I need to delegate in order to get projects done.  That means at home, I have the family help out and at work, I delegate tasks to other people that can get the job done faster than me.
3. Have Faith- I know in the bible it says “I can do all things through him who gives me strength”, but that does not mean all things, all the time.  It means the secret of being content in any and every situation and being able to do anything through God. Having faith that you will get through the day, even in times of sorrow.

We don’t need to be superman, or superwomen, and think that we can accomplish everything, or think at any moment, we can do it all.  We don’t have to be everything to everybody all the time.  We just have to be the best that we can be at any given moment, and know that we can not do it all.

Stop comparing

I've been looking at my house lately wishing it was more perfect inside.  I've gotten in a habit of noticing other houses that look more "in place" than mine.  Everything has a place, everything put away, it seems so ideal. So beautiful.  I find myself than comparing my house to others. If I'm over at a friends house or just happen to see a beautiful house in the paper, or news, I quickly find myself jealous and wanting my house to look just like that.

I take a look around, and there's clothes everywhere, clean clothes waiting to be folded on the couch, dirty ones waiting to be washed. Things that have been brought home from school that are now sitting on our desk. Shoes crowding up the hallway.  Paperwork piling up in every little space, and somehow every nook and cranny seems to be filled. As much as I try to clean up, I never can get to that "perfect" everything in its place look.  The kind that just stepped out of a for sale ad.  You know the type.

So then I get mad and notice my perfectionism creeping through. I find myself asking "how do I get my house perfect?" Perhaps I do need to spend some time getting rid of things. But number one thing, I need to stop comparing my house to others.  My house is beautiful, it really is. I need to just focus on what I can change inside and stop comparing to what other people have.  My house does not need to be perfect like theirs. If I truly want my house to look different, and this is more about wanting a change in the house, than I need to start small and start with one room at a time. No need to waste my time hoping to make my house perfect.