Day 1 of healing:

So why this blog you ask?  Well, first most, I have desired to be a changed woman. No longer do I want to feel like my life has to be perfect. No longer do I want to feel like I have to always be in control.  So today starts my healing.  Today starts my writing to capture those feelings and to write them down.  Hopefully through some faith, some thoughts and some true belief, I can eliminate those emotions inside of me.

So why now?  Well, let me begin by telling you of my weakness.  Being of a mom of three, has certainly been tough, there are times when I feel like I'm at the end of my rope.  Healthy?  Absolutely not, but permissible, certainly.  It was just when my oh so gracious husband, said "Honey, why don't you put that rope down?"  I stopped in my tracks.  What do you mean put the rope down?  He said, "Just put it down, and pick up where you left off later? Instead of getting to the end of it, just let go."   What a profound statement, and something, honestly admitting, I had never heard of.

If I put that rope down, then I loose control. I loose everything I've been hanging on to, the feeling of "if I just keep hold of it, then I can prove I'm superwoman, I can prove I'm perfect, and everyone will think I'm in control."

Insane thoughts.  Has anyone ever felt like this?  Where did these feelings ever come from?  It was at that moment, that I realized...I have a problem.  I have the need to always feel in control.  And so today starts, Day 1 of my healing.  To become a changed woman, a woman that doesn't have to feel like she's in control, a woman who doesn't have to be perfect.  A woman that is free from those feelings.