Who cares what others think?

A lot of what perfection is, constitutes what others think about you.  But it goes even deeper, and it's how you perceive yourself, or even worse, how you think others perceive you.


I think this is such a profound statement.  For so many years, my productivity was being dictated by the fear of other's judgment.  Meaning, I was so worried about being judged by others, that I felt this fear of loosing everything.

My excellence was such a narrowly defined perfection, that even I couldn't achieve some of the standards I had set for myself.  This self destruction was a recipe for disaster.  All these things in my head, What if I'm not a perfect parent?  What if I loose control? What if my house is a disaster, and the inevitable happens, and I get company?  What if my body isn't perfectly toned? What if I don't get that job, what if I don't get that interview? What if I don't get that promotion?  All these questions, were me making this preconceived notion that everyone else in the world would judge me, if any one of these questions were not answered correctly. 

What I've realized is this:  Who cares what others think?  Create inside of you a pathway that allows for you to separate results from judgment.  A pathway that allows for you to strive for the results that are best for you, and only you.  Study to learn instead of getting a perfect score, eat and exercise for piece of mind and health, rather than just simple weight targets. Clean/organize to be tidy, not to impress. And lastly live to be happy.  Not perfect.

Imperfect Parent

Part of my struggle of being a parent is trying to keep it all together.  I am here to admit that I do not have it all together. I am not a perfect mom.

I know that I'm not alone in this journey of life, and I can bet that there are many of you out there that know this same thing.  But many of you need that reminder in life, just as I do sometimes as well.  Whether it be parenting, or work, or relationships, we do not have to live this life as desperate people. Desperate for trying to be all that we can, and the most perfect we can be.   I get it.  I lay awake sometimes, with a deep need to get it right.  Deep down I really want to do things right.  I want to be a good mom.  I want to be a good wife.  I want to have it all under control.

However that constant reminder that keeps hovering over my head is this. Nobody is perfect.  There is no perfect parent. No perfect child.  No matter how many books I read, or how many blogs I follow, I have to know that there is no one solution for getting things right.    So doing the right thing does not equal having to be perfect.  Doing life right does not mean perfection. 

I know that life is a big job. In fact, I've had the thought before of "If I'm not perfect than why try?"  But as soon as I get that thought in my mind that I am here to do everything by myself, I have to remind myself that I'm not alone.  I should not "lean not on my own understanding, but yet seek the Lord first."

Overcoming perfectionism

During my blog, I have talked about some of the key things that have plagued me.

Here are some steps that I've mentioned so far that I have compiled that have helped me to overcome this:

1)  Recognize Perfectionism - There is nothing wrong with having standards in your life, attainable goals you want to achieve, but when these standards are set so high that they are getting in the way of your social well-being/work/school and life in general, then it's time to realize the problem.  Refer to How to spot a perfectionist about the traits of a perfectionist.

2) Change your behaviors and your way of thinking- In a society where Perfect is the new standard, many adults including myself, are often very critical of themselves.  I work on this everyday, so don't expect an overnight change, but the key is to change that behavior, that critical thinking and turn it into more realistic thoughts and goals. It's ok to make mistakes.  And yes, I tell myself that everyday.



The other key point I want to make is that perfectionism can lie in so many ways in people's lives.  It can be a matter of work, or writing, or school, organization or tidiness, looks or appearance, or even passed down to their outcomes -children or significant others.  The key is to identify all of the areas in your life that it is affecting and work on the problems from there.  For me, I don't have just one area, it's multiple.  So, yes I can pinpoint these areas, but know, that each area will have to be worked on as you go along. Till next time.

Definition of perfectionist

I recently read the definition of a perfectionist:

"Perfectionists are often very precise, driven, extremely task-oriented individuals, who not only strive toward excellence, but also attempt to achieve flawlessness in whatever task they undertake"


Ah, yes, that would describe me.  No doubt about it.  And as some theorist believe that people may be predisposed to being a perfectionist, or perhaps born with the traits,  I believe that mine was due to a sum of several factors that actually got worse over time.

I certainly wasn't born this way, in fact wasn't even this way in High School. But my environment, my life experiences, my problem solving abilities, certainly led up to this. I really feel like it got worse over time.  First I noticed right after I had kids, I started to feel like I had to be in control.  Then it transpired into trying to be perfect, after my first husband left me and the kids and ended up in divorce.  When I had reached my lowest and had no where else to go but up, I decided to go back to school to get my master's degree.  Then full blown perfectionism set in.  Not only did I want to be perfect at school, but 99.9% wasn't good enough.  Even sometimes 100% wasn't good enough.  I know hard to believe.  But that's how the disease works.  It's demoralizing. Perfectionism makes you feel like you are never good enough.  You have to strive to always be more. 

And so, I finally realized the need to change.

Like anything else, most changes require regular, concerted effort on the part of the person desiring to make the change. I know that changing my behavior requires a consistent effort on my part.  But my advice to you today is to start slowly.  That's exactly what I'm doing.  One foot in front of the other.  Forming new habits and new beliefs.

We are not Perfect

I have come to realize that perfectionism is me denying two very basic truths:

1. I am not perfect.
2. I am not in control.

You see, when we take in this law of perfection, we are infected with the feeling of self doubt which eats away at every area of our lives. This certainly has happened in my life.



The more perfect I am, or that I believe, the more valid I feel as a person. But with every advance in one area, I find myself wanting in another. I know I struggle with the fact of not being good enough, therefore on some level that transpires into not being deserving enough of love, happiness, or even life itself.

In the past I have dealt with or feared that my imperfections will expose my failures, when actually they show the places I have grown.

So my thought today, and thank you to my wonderful husband for helping me with this, is this:
When I don't think I'm good enough. STOP.  When I don't think I'm qualified. STOP.  When I fail to see the woman I have become and all that I have gone through.  STOP.

Stop feeling sorry and let the man who is in complete control, and complete perfection, the man up above be who he is.  It's not our job to impersonate him.  It's not our job to be perfect and in control.  It's his. 

How to spot perfectionism

I read a very interesting article today:

http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/perfectionism.htm

Perfectionism Overcoming All-or-Nothing Thinking

All credit goes to Mindtools.com, however there was some very interesting points I wanted to share that I took from the article:


How to Spot Perfectionism


It can be quite easy to recognize maladaptive perfectionism in yourself, if this is a problem. Look for some of these traits in your own actions and behavior:

• You have very high or unrealistic goals. If you can't be the very best, you sometimes give up.
• You see any mistake as a failure, and if someone does a task or project better than you, you feel that you've failed.
• You might also conceal your mistakes from others.
• You often hand work in late, because you keep redoing it, or you keep procrastinating.
• You feel uncomfortable whenever you don't achieve your definition of perfection.
• You don't like taking risks, because there is then no guarantee that you can do the task perfectly.
• You stick with safer tasks, because you know that you can achieve them.
• You don't enjoy the process of learning and working; you only care about the result.
• You often exhibit all-or-nothing thinking: either something is perfect, or it's a failure.
• You have an unhealthy attachment to others' opinions.
• You feel that if your flaws are exposed, others will reject you.
• You don't handle criticism and feedback well.
• You may apply your own unrealistic standards to those around you, becoming critical when colleagues don't meet those expectations. As a result, you may not have many close relationships at work.
• You have a difficult time delegating tasks to others.

Do you recognize any of these traits in yourself?

My prayer today

What if I loose control?

Have you ever had the feeling that if everything is perfect, than you will be in control?  Well, what if you loose control?  I'm talking to all the people out there that have ever felt the need to be in control.  I get it.  I'm a mom of 3 young kids, ages 10, 8 and 6.  I'm a wife, a mom, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a full-time employee... and yes being pulled 8 different ways.  There are so many areas in my life where I feel like I have to be in control, because if I'm not, I'm just going to loose everything.  All these plates I'm juggling in the air, should I loose control of any one of them, I could loose it all. 

And so, for so long, I just figured, if I'm perfect, and somehow I magically try to be wonder woman and juggle everything and yes, control everything, things will be ok.  Perhaps you have felt this same way. 

So today, I'm working on this.  I'm working on all of this emotion of trying to take those feelings to be more structured in a way so I don't have to feel like I have to be in control.  I have help available, I just have to ask for it.  I can still be all those things, a mom, a wife, an employee and on and on, but I don't have to control those all any more.  I can let go of that.

Steps I'm taking to overcome perfectionism

Overcoming perfectionism is not an easy thing, and certainly something that I work on, on a daily basis.

Here are some simple steps that I am working on to help me:


1) Realize the problem-  Realizing the traits is really the key thing to do to start out.  By becoming aware of what is controlling you, you are then in a better position to try to fix them, or overcome them.

2) Work through the positive aspects of Perfectionism - And, yes there are positives.  It really isn't all negative.  I've realized that if I work through the positives, the negatives tend to then outweigh themselves, rather than me focusing on all of the negative.

3) Keep expectations real- Make sure you are making progress, but have realistic expectations of when you want to change.  Make small steps to improving rather than thinking that this pattern will change overnight.

Recommendation of Book

Wanted to share this with everyone.  I read this book about 6 months ago, and really made an impact on my life.  With Amy's insight and expertise, this is a definite recommendation!  I loved it!

Letting Go of Perfect by Amy E. Spiegel                                                                                     

You look Perfect!

With being a mom of three, I try to watch myself as much as possible when throwing around "perfect" in my house.  I know that I have 6 little pairs of eyes watching me and learning from me 24/7.  The last thing I want to do is pass along that perfectionism trait to them.

However, just this morning, my daughter turned to me and said "Mom, how do I look?"  With no hesitation, I replied "Perfect!"      AAAAAHHHH!

What am I doing?  I simply did not mean to create such a high standard for my daughter, I was just replying in what I thought was great!

This is a lesson well learned this morning...   No one is perfect.   Find better words to describe your children.