Not so perfect vacation

I tend to over pack for vacations.

Ok, that's an understatement.  Basically, I try to figure out every situation that I'm going to possibly be in and prepare and plan (and pack) to make sure I avoid not being prepared. Camping is a signature thing of mine that I tend to overpack for.  I think as a perfectionist that is the one thing that bothers me the most, is the fear of not being prepared for something.

So when all said and done, my car is usually the one that looks like something from the Clampett Family from Beverly Hillbillies.
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However, this past weekend we decided to take the kids camping for only 1 night.  Because my husband knows me and because he knows we were only going for 1 night (and bringing the dog), he simply asked if we could not "plan" and "pack" like we usually do.  He said just grab a few things and go.

Funny, because that wasn't even part of my vocabulary, but I went with it.  The book I've been reading to overcome perfectionism talks about trying to take a "unplanned" vacation and see what happens.

When we got there, I certainly felt the repercussions of not being prepared. I had forgotten a slew of things including Ketchup for the hotdogs, Chocolate and Marshmallows for the s'mores, chairs that we could sit on while we ate, breakfast for the morning and whole bunch of other things.  So needless to say, it was a not so perfect camping trip.  However at that moment while we all "stood" in front of the campfire eating our plain hotdogs and buns, we all laughed and said, "definitely a trip to remember."

You know what, our "unplanned" trip ended up being a lot of fun and no, the world did not end because we had to eat hotdogs without ketchup, and graham crackers for breakfast.  It was just the 5 of us, enjoying nature and our family.  Some of the best memories I guess come from "unplanned" and not so perfect vacations.

Time gets the best of me!

My, my, time has gotten the best of me!  It's been several months since I've posted (due mostly because of the overwhelming life of a select baseball season for my 12 year old son). It seems like one moment you are sitting down, planning your summer out and the next, it's August and you're trying to figure out where your summer went.  

This weekend, my family and I are unplugging a little bit and traveling 5 hours to the Niobrara River to do some much needed R&R before the crazy school starts on Monday.  Which brings me to my point of today's blog post.

I think so many times when we get in stressful situations and we are pulled in a million ways and all you can think about is how to safely clone yourself, we tend to be overly perfectionist in our ways. Or at least I do.  I want the first day of school to go by without a hitch, I want lunches and meals and getting to sports on time to be perfectly planned out and of course on top of that, be tip top for my job and be a loving wife, all done with one single hiccup.

And the reality of all of that is that really is only in a perfect world, but realizing that is a huge step.  It's realistically not all going to get done, the kids aren't going to have all brand new school clothes before school starts, their lunches aren't going to be perfectly packed, breakfast will be served for dinner at least one time before the month ends, and yes, there's going to be hiccups and obstacles to overcome at work and in your personal life.  I think so many times I did have that vision, but I'm really starting to realize that that was an unrealistic vision.  It's ok to not have everything go as planned.

Everyday is a series of ins and outs.  Learning how to breathe through all of them is the key.

You don't have to be a perfect Mom- In honor of "Mother's Day"

First most, Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there and moms-to-be for this upcoming Mother's Day.  With this special holiday coming up, I wanted to take a moment and reflect on a common stigma I most often have in my mind.  I want to be a perfect mom.   But in all reality, I'm not a perfect mom, I don't have it all together and yes, I have flaws.  But I think so many times, I put so much pressure on myself to be all that I can be for my children, be perfect in their eyes.  If I'm perfect for them, then I'm in control. If I'm perfect for my husband and kids then there's no stress, no feeling like I'm screwing things up.  We all go through these emotions, but it has got to stop.  We are simply human, and can't do it all.

So instead of beating myself up, because I do have flaws, embrace being a mother and all that comes with it.  Yes, my life is going to be a chaotic mess sometimes, yes my house is going to be a disaster at times. But being a mother of three wonderful kids couldn't replace anything in the world, and I just have to embrace it.  Enjoy my time I do have.

Failure to delegate

I think my mentality of "I can do it all" has influenced my tendency to mistrust that others can do things properly. With that mistrust, I sometimes fail to delegate even small tasks. I admit, I have trouble trusting others with a task unless I'm sure they can complete the task perfectly.

Take cleaning for example. I'd rather do it all and do it all by myself, then having others help, with fear that the house won't be cleaned to my standards. Even though my husband and children offer to help, in which they do, I feel this need to go back over things and make sure they were done correctly. This is a troublesome area in my life. I don't want to do it all. I don't have the time or mentality to clean my entire house by myself. I don't even enjoy doing the chores. But I am so reluctant to let others help in fear that these mundane tasks won't be done correctly to my standards. Why is this?

This is a huge area in my life where I'm having to figure out if this is a helpful or unhelpful standard that I have set for myself. This overly high standard is certainly not helpful and is getting in the way of me achieving my goals, living my life. I know that this is an area in which I have to think differently on this issue. There are too many benefits that would come if I could just relax or ignore this rule, this failure to delegate. What would it take for me to start delegating and trust others with tasks?

Don't try to read the minds of others

The other day we were sitting down at the dinner table eating when I found myself trying to read the minds of my family members.  Their silence was eating away at me and surely if they had liked the meal that I had just prepared, I thought for sure I would have heard positive comments by now. I indirectly tied their silence to some sort of failure of mine.  Their silence meant that I had failed.

This was not actually the case and they ended up loving it.  Their silence was just a mere moment of them enjoying their food (and not talking).

I think so many times, perfectionists try to read the minds of others. They almost in a way expect too much of others.  They associate other people's actions with themselves.  Perfectionist sometimes tend to think that other people's actions have something to do with themselves, or even their failures. This mind reading involves the perfectionist assuming that they know what other people are thinking.

I think realizing these relationships and really trying to stop this has helped me identify areas in which I need to work on.  I don't need to try to read the minds of others, I just need to concentrate on being the best I can be and not worry so much about what other people are thinking.

That moment you realize...

It's tough being a parent, I will be the first to admit.  But I also know it's just as tough being a kid. Today I was going through my 6th grader's backpack and found his empty wallet.  His wallet that once contained over $25 in cash and also a $25 gift card he got as a birthday present...completely empty.  I confronted my son and asked him what happened and why his wallet was empty and where everything went.  He confessed to me that he was bringing his wallet to school to buy stuff; pencils, small toys, supplies etc, from other kids.  Someone got wind of him having money at school and forced him to also give up his gift card.  Sad story, I know.  It's just one of those stories that kindof eats away at you, leaving you heart broken for a poor 6th grader who doesn't know better.

But the point of my story is this.  I think so many times as a perfectionist mom, I try to do the right thing, say the right thing, counsel the right away, and certainly discipline the right way.  But reality of this all is, is that life is not perfect.  I'm not always going to say the right thing or have things go the right way.  I'm not going to be perfect, and certainly, my son is not going to be perfect either.  Things are going to happen, mistakes are going to be made. 

But today, is the moment when my son texted me this morning, telling me he wanted to go home.  Go home because he felt guilty, go home because he was sad at what had happened, and go home because of how afraid he was that I was going to be mad.  It was that moment that I realized, nothing perfect was going to come out of this, so my mother instincts just came through. The best I can do is just be the best mom I can be today.   "Life is about learning, It's about making mistakes. Life is a learning game and we just have to move on and learn from it. Everything is going to be ok, and I'm not made at you. I love you. I'm just glad you are ok. It's all going to be ok."  That is what I texted back.

Life is definitely not perfect. That moment you realize that, and just allow yourself to accept the fact that mistakes are going to happen, is the moment we learn from it and just move on.

Learn to recognize perfectionism

I've talked about this before, but one of the first steps in overcoming perfectionism is to recognize those behaviors of perfectionism.  I think so many times we either mis-diagnose ourselves, or don't really understand all of the behaviors of perfectionism.  A lot of times these behaviors can be:

• overcompensating for errors
• over rehearsing for speeches, presentations
• excessive checking of work
• excessive reassuring of themselves
• excessive organizing
• failure to delegate

If you can say yes or check off any on this list, you can then begin to recognize the behavior patterns of perfectionism.  The reason it's so important to first recognize that is to be able to identify what it is you need to work on.  If you can relate to anything on that list then you can begin to correct it.

For instance I have a great need for organization.  I have list upon list, and if organization is not part of my daily life, I freak out.  Its gotten so bad that even my high standard I have set for myself with organization is so high, that it's impossible to even attain.  Recognizing that this is definitely an issue and inhibiting my life, I can then take action to correct that behavior. In areas of my life, I'm actually trying really hard not to be organized. It's not necessarily about changing the perfectionism as it is as changing the behavior.  I have to change my theory of this excessive need of control and once I can realize the unrealistic standard, then I can counter-correct my behavior and this need.  Its definitely not easy countering this behavior, but its one step in the right direction. 

Not enough?

Do you ever feel like you are not enough?  I know many times I've sat down and thought these exact words.  That everything I do, all that I give, somehow, I just don't feel like I'm enough.

I had the chance to watch Mom's Night Out this weekend, and if you haven't seen it, I certainly recommend it for any mom.  It touches on this very topic of being enough.  I think so many times we beat ourselves up on thinking that we are not enough, or somehow we are just destined to fail.  As a mom, that can certainly be the case, as a perfectionist mom, it reigns so often as true.

Jesus didn't make a mistake with us when he created us, he loves us for who we are.  And the only thing we have to be is enough for ourselves.  He'll take care of the rest.

Life is about finding the joy, the meaning, the purpose in all that life has to offer, even through all of the chaos.  So if you are questioning if you are enough, just like I do many times in my life, the answer is yes.  Yes, you are enough.  You are what God intended you to be.  

I can't do it all

Sometimes hidden in my mind, I have this feeling, that I can do it all.  I can do everything.  Meaning, I can wear multiple hats and not skip a beat. I think a lot of time, perfectionists think “I got this, I can do it all”.  We pile on more than what we can handle, and try to bite off more than we can chew.  Realistically though, I can not do it all. I cannot do everything.  I am only one person.  

I’m a mom, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a Director, and sometimes (A taxi cab driver, psychologist, babysitter, chef, peace-maker, a doctor, and all the other jobs that come along with being a mom of three kids.) People ask me all the time “How do you do it all?” I just tell them, “I don’t”.  There are definitely things that I’ve learned over the years that help me at least stay on top of it all, or perhaps even seem like I do it all have. These include

1. Making Lists- I have lists upon lists, but keeping track of everything helps me stay grounded, and on task
2. Delegating- Through learning that I can’t do it all, I’ve also learned that I need to delegate in order to get projects done.  That means at home, I have the family help out and at work, I delegate tasks to other people that can get the job done faster than me.
3. Have Faith- I know in the bible it says “I can do all things through him who gives me strength”, but that does not mean all things, all the time.  It means the secret of being content in any and every situation and being able to do anything through God. Having faith that you will get through the day, even in times of sorrow.

We don’t need to be superman, or superwomen, and think that we can accomplish everything, or think at any moment, we can do it all.  We don’t have to be everything to everybody all the time.  We just have to be the best that we can be at any given moment, and know that we can not do it all.

Stop comparing

I've been looking at my house lately wishing it was more perfect inside.  I've gotten in a habit of noticing other houses that look more "in place" than mine.  Everything has a place, everything put away, it seems so ideal. So beautiful.  I find myself than comparing my house to others. If I'm over at a friends house or just happen to see a beautiful house in the paper, or news, I quickly find myself jealous and wanting my house to look just like that.

I take a look around, and there's clothes everywhere, clean clothes waiting to be folded on the couch, dirty ones waiting to be washed. Things that have been brought home from school that are now sitting on our desk. Shoes crowding up the hallway.  Paperwork piling up in every little space, and somehow every nook and cranny seems to be filled. As much as I try to clean up, I never can get to that "perfect" everything in its place look.  The kind that just stepped out of a for sale ad.  You know the type.

So then I get mad and notice my perfectionism creeping through. I find myself asking "how do I get my house perfect?" Perhaps I do need to spend some time getting rid of things. But number one thing, I need to stop comparing my house to others.  My house is beautiful, it really is. I need to just focus on what I can change inside and stop comparing to what other people have.  My house does not need to be perfect like theirs. If I truly want my house to look different, and this is more about wanting a change in the house, than I need to start small and start with one room at a time. No need to waste my time hoping to make my house perfect.

Mistakes will happen. We're only human

For so long I've had this phobia of making mistakes. I tend to get so hung up on mistakes and if a mistake happens, it seems like the end of the world.  What I've been trying to teach myself is that mistakes will happen. It's part of life and we're human. And what I really need to concentrate on is that mistakes should happen. It's those opportunities when a mistake happens that gives us opportunities to truly learn and develop.

Understanding that mistakes happen is a big key.  Get over it.  Move on.  It's part of life.

Short guide on perfectionism

I read an article today about "A short Guide to Taming Your Inner Perfectionist" that I wanted to share with you.

There were some interesting things to do in order to start to control your perfectionism, all things that I am definitely working on and have found helpful.

1) Monitor the big picture and not the small one. Stop trying to plan everything and handle issues as they arise. Do not worry about things that may not happen.

2) Set deadlines and stick to them. Don't get wrapped up on making things perfect past your deadline.

3) Don't fret about past mistakes. The past is the past and time to move on.

4) Stop waiting for the perfect time.  In reality, there never is really a perfect time, so just start now.

5) Tackle work one step at a time. Don't lose yourself thinking about the other things you need to accomplish.

Perfect Conversations

In my head I tend to have perfect conversations.  Meaning, I've researched what I'm going to say, repeated it in my mind, changed around a few things and practiced and molded what I think is a perfect conversation. That happened to me today.

I wanted to have a "serious" talk about girls, love...whatever else came to mind...with my eleven year old son.  I had constructed the perfect conversation, of how I wanted to talk to him...where I was going to talk to him, how I was going to start off..what exactly I was going to say. I even researched an article about "how to talk to your kids about love." And so I began.. about 2 minutes into the conversation, I was completely losing him. Eyes rolling behind the head, thumbs twiddling, knees shaking. I knew I needed to do some differently.  My "perfect" conversation, was not so perfect. And I was looking like the idiot.  

My husband came into the room and said my God, it looks like you just told him his dog died. He was right. What I had molded in my head was clearly not the way I had planned it out or thought it was going to go.  My husband took over and within a few bright words, turned my son around and before you know it had him smiling.  That indeed was the perfect conversation I thought.

My point is, we've all had those moments, where we think of how we're going to say something, have something perfectly planned out, and the situation presents itself completely different. My learning moment today was to realize that I'm not perfect, there is no way to mold a perfect conversation. There is no way to tell exactly how a situation is going to take off, and you just need to go with it.  Just go from the heart and speak what feels right at that given moment. 

Can't control the unknown

One of the biggest things I'm working on is trying to let go of the fact that I can't control the unknown.  I can't control what does not exist. That is, I can't control the future.  As a perfectionist, and as I mentioned before, I try to plan what's going to happen next, when really, no one knows with certainty what is going to happen next. There is no way to predict the future, or what it holds.  We can certainly shape our events and mold them to what we think or how we want the future to look like, but there are so many unknowns.

So instead of trying to control the future or having a delusion that that is possible, instead I'm working to accept this fact, and have trust in who I am and what I've done already. I'm accepting that I can't control the unknown. It's called life.

How much time do you spend planning?

As a perfectionist, I tend to spend a lot of time planning the inevitable, making sure that I'm ready for anything that comes my way. Prepared for every situation.  My husband jokes with me that my car has everything and anything I would ever need for every situation.  And that's just how I like it.  Jackets in case it gets cold. Umbrellas in case it rains. Sunscreen for hot days. Blankets, extra clothes, probably a water bottle or two, sweatshirts and the list goes on.

But as I look at this I wonder if it's my excessive attention to detail, or if I'm really spending too much time planning for every possible situation. I wonder if I spend too much time living in the future, and not the present.

I'm learning that this feeling of "control" is just an illusion. I can't really control what happens to me in the future, but I can learn how to deal with this in a positive manner.

If you're like me and find yourself planning the inevitable, I suggest you take a step back and figure out how much time you really are spending planning out every moment. It may just create some margin in your life that you have been looking for.

When is taking it personally too much?

As a perfectionist, I tend to take things pretty personally.  Every setback, criticism or small joke, tends to error on my personal side much more.  But when is it too much? When it starts affecting your life.

As I'm healing I'm really focusing on trying to be more resilient and not take things so personal.  I know that I've been guilty of taking things over the line.  As perfectionists, we tend to beat ourselves up, or take every mistake or misstep and turn it into "I'm not good enough."

Just the other day, I got really defensive when I was criticized for being too emotional.  And in reality, it's really about self image and developing it, and I need to let go of being that way.  I need to give up on trying to take control and defend myself from any threats and stop taking things personal.

Change

There are always choices

I have been working on reprogramming my ways, my thinking. 

And in order to reprogram my perfectionist ways, I have to reprogram my choices, my decisions, knowing that there are always other choices available. I can reflect on my messy house with only thinking of how I want to change it, correct it, clean it. Perfect it. Or I can make the choice to stop and accept that my house is the best way it can be at that given moment in time. It is as perfect as it’s going to get.

If I willingly know that there are other choices available, then I can understand that I don't only have one option. I have a choice. And choice involves two ways. I can choose one or the other.

I think so many times I felt as if my option was the only option available. That there were no choices available. I would take a situation (like my house) and think that the only available option is to clean it. When in reality like I said above, I have the choice to stop and accept that it is the best it will be at that moment.

Take time to realize that there are always choices. You can choose not to perfect a situation, and at any given moment, that situation is the best that it's going to get.

Not enough time to be perfect at everything

I tend to try to analyze my imperfections.  When it seems like I have analyzed one imperfection, paused, taken a moment to stop and reflect, the next imperfection is hitting me in the face.  What I mean by this is that I tend to analyze areas in my life where I'm not as perfect as can be, or things that I have done wrong, or areas where I've mistaken.  I analyze them, think about them and try to come up with ways on how to do better.

Just being good, is not good enough, I tell myself.  And so, I double my efforts, take care of myself less often, work harder, wake up earlier and try to do better. Analyzing imperfections is often my way of giving myself my own guilt trip, my own standard, my own understanding of what I did wrong.

But what ends up happening when I get in this vicious cycle, is just when I have one imperfection analyzed and thought out, the next imperfection comes skipping in.  In reality, I'm trying to be perfect at everything, and when I'm not, I consider that an imperfection.  And that's so wrong.  It's taken me a long time to comprehend this thought, but when we are not perfect, that does not by any means make us a failure....make an imperfection.  We don't have time to be perfect at everything. And we certainly don't have time to sit and analyze imperfections, trying every moment to make them better.  Like I said, it's taken me a long time to comprehend this thought, but it is a key revolution if you can train your mind to think about that. It will be a key point in your healing.