Not so perfect vacation

I tend to over pack for vacations.

Ok, that's an understatement.  Basically, I try to figure out every situation that I'm going to possibly be in and prepare and plan (and pack) to make sure I avoid not being prepared. Camping is a signature thing of mine that I tend to overpack for.  I think as a perfectionist that is the one thing that bothers me the most, is the fear of not being prepared for something.

So when all said and done, my car is usually the one that looks like something from the Clampett Family from Beverly Hillbillies.
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However, this past weekend we decided to take the kids camping for only 1 night.  Because my husband knows me and because he knows we were only going for 1 night (and bringing the dog), he simply asked if we could not "plan" and "pack" like we usually do.  He said just grab a few things and go.

Funny, because that wasn't even part of my vocabulary, but I went with it.  The book I've been reading to overcome perfectionism talks about trying to take a "unplanned" vacation and see what happens.

When we got there, I certainly felt the repercussions of not being prepared. I had forgotten a slew of things including Ketchup for the hotdogs, Chocolate and Marshmallows for the s'mores, chairs that we could sit on while we ate, breakfast for the morning and whole bunch of other things.  So needless to say, it was a not so perfect camping trip.  However at that moment while we all "stood" in front of the campfire eating our plain hotdogs and buns, we all laughed and said, "definitely a trip to remember."

You know what, our "unplanned" trip ended up being a lot of fun and no, the world did not end because we had to eat hotdogs without ketchup, and graham crackers for breakfast.  It was just the 5 of us, enjoying nature and our family.  Some of the best memories I guess come from "unplanned" and not so perfect vacations.

Time gets the best of me!

My, my, time has gotten the best of me!  It's been several months since I've posted (due mostly because of the overwhelming life of a select baseball season for my 12 year old son). It seems like one moment you are sitting down, planning your summer out and the next, it's August and you're trying to figure out where your summer went.  

This weekend, my family and I are unplugging a little bit and traveling 5 hours to the Niobrara River to do some much needed R&R before the crazy school starts on Monday.  Which brings me to my point of today's blog post.

I think so many times when we get in stressful situations and we are pulled in a million ways and all you can think about is how to safely clone yourself, we tend to be overly perfectionist in our ways. Or at least I do.  I want the first day of school to go by without a hitch, I want lunches and meals and getting to sports on time to be perfectly planned out and of course on top of that, be tip top for my job and be a loving wife, all done with one single hiccup.

And the reality of all of that is that really is only in a perfect world, but realizing that is a huge step.  It's realistically not all going to get done, the kids aren't going to have all brand new school clothes before school starts, their lunches aren't going to be perfectly packed, breakfast will be served for dinner at least one time before the month ends, and yes, there's going to be hiccups and obstacles to overcome at work and in your personal life.  I think so many times I did have that vision, but I'm really starting to realize that that was an unrealistic vision.  It's ok to not have everything go as planned.

Everyday is a series of ins and outs.  Learning how to breathe through all of them is the key.

You don't have to be a perfect Mom- In honor of "Mother's Day"

First most, Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there and moms-to-be for this upcoming Mother's Day.  With this special holiday coming up, I wanted to take a moment and reflect on a common stigma I most often have in my mind.  I want to be a perfect mom.   But in all reality, I'm not a perfect mom, I don't have it all together and yes, I have flaws.  But I think so many times, I put so much pressure on myself to be all that I can be for my children, be perfect in their eyes.  If I'm perfect for them, then I'm in control. If I'm perfect for my husband and kids then there's no stress, no feeling like I'm screwing things up.  We all go through these emotions, but it has got to stop.  We are simply human, and can't do it all.

So instead of beating myself up, because I do have flaws, embrace being a mother and all that comes with it.  Yes, my life is going to be a chaotic mess sometimes, yes my house is going to be a disaster at times. But being a mother of three wonderful kids couldn't replace anything in the world, and I just have to embrace it.  Enjoy my time I do have.

Failure to delegate

I think my mentality of "I can do it all" has influenced my tendency to mistrust that others can do things properly. With that mistrust, I sometimes fail to delegate even small tasks. I admit, I have trouble trusting others with a task unless I'm sure they can complete the task perfectly.

Take cleaning for example. I'd rather do it all and do it all by myself, then having others help, with fear that the house won't be cleaned to my standards. Even though my husband and children offer to help, in which they do, I feel this need to go back over things and make sure they were done correctly. This is a troublesome area in my life. I don't want to do it all. I don't have the time or mentality to clean my entire house by myself. I don't even enjoy doing the chores. But I am so reluctant to let others help in fear that these mundane tasks won't be done correctly to my standards. Why is this?

This is a huge area in my life where I'm having to figure out if this is a helpful or unhelpful standard that I have set for myself. This overly high standard is certainly not helpful and is getting in the way of me achieving my goals, living my life. I know that this is an area in which I have to think differently on this issue. There are too many benefits that would come if I could just relax or ignore this rule, this failure to delegate. What would it take for me to start delegating and trust others with tasks?

Don't try to read the minds of others

The other day we were sitting down at the dinner table eating when I found myself trying to read the minds of my family members.  Their silence was eating away at me and surely if they had liked the meal that I had just prepared, I thought for sure I would have heard positive comments by now. I indirectly tied their silence to some sort of failure of mine.  Their silence meant that I had failed.

This was not actually the case and they ended up loving it.  Their silence was just a mere moment of them enjoying their food (and not talking).

I think so many times, perfectionists try to read the minds of others. They almost in a way expect too much of others.  They associate other people's actions with themselves.  Perfectionist sometimes tend to think that other people's actions have something to do with themselves, or even their failures. This mind reading involves the perfectionist assuming that they know what other people are thinking.

I think realizing these relationships and really trying to stop this has helped me identify areas in which I need to work on.  I don't need to try to read the minds of others, I just need to concentrate on being the best I can be and not worry so much about what other people are thinking.

That moment you realize...

It's tough being a parent, I will be the first to admit.  But I also know it's just as tough being a kid. Today I was going through my 6th grader's backpack and found his empty wallet.  His wallet that once contained over $25 in cash and also a $25 gift card he got as a birthday present...completely empty.  I confronted my son and asked him what happened and why his wallet was empty and where everything went.  He confessed to me that he was bringing his wallet to school to buy stuff; pencils, small toys, supplies etc, from other kids.  Someone got wind of him having money at school and forced him to also give up his gift card.  Sad story, I know.  It's just one of those stories that kindof eats away at you, leaving you heart broken for a poor 6th grader who doesn't know better.

But the point of my story is this.  I think so many times as a perfectionist mom, I try to do the right thing, say the right thing, counsel the right away, and certainly discipline the right way.  But reality of this all is, is that life is not perfect.  I'm not always going to say the right thing or have things go the right way.  I'm not going to be perfect, and certainly, my son is not going to be perfect either.  Things are going to happen, mistakes are going to be made. 

But today, is the moment when my son texted me this morning, telling me he wanted to go home.  Go home because he felt guilty, go home because he was sad at what had happened, and go home because of how afraid he was that I was going to be mad.  It was that moment that I realized, nothing perfect was going to come out of this, so my mother instincts just came through. The best I can do is just be the best mom I can be today.   "Life is about learning, It's about making mistakes. Life is a learning game and we just have to move on and learn from it. Everything is going to be ok, and I'm not made at you. I love you. I'm just glad you are ok. It's all going to be ok."  That is what I texted back.

Life is definitely not perfect. That moment you realize that, and just allow yourself to accept the fact that mistakes are going to happen, is the moment we learn from it and just move on.

Learn to recognize perfectionism

I've talked about this before, but one of the first steps in overcoming perfectionism is to recognize those behaviors of perfectionism.  I think so many times we either mis-diagnose ourselves, or don't really understand all of the behaviors of perfectionism.  A lot of times these behaviors can be:

• overcompensating for errors
• over rehearsing for speeches, presentations
• excessive checking of work
• excessive reassuring of themselves
• excessive organizing
• failure to delegate

If you can say yes or check off any on this list, you can then begin to recognize the behavior patterns of perfectionism.  The reason it's so important to first recognize that is to be able to identify what it is you need to work on.  If you can relate to anything on that list then you can begin to correct it.

For instance I have a great need for organization.  I have list upon list, and if organization is not part of my daily life, I freak out.  Its gotten so bad that even my high standard I have set for myself with organization is so high, that it's impossible to even attain.  Recognizing that this is definitely an issue and inhibiting my life, I can then take action to correct that behavior. In areas of my life, I'm actually trying really hard not to be organized. It's not necessarily about changing the perfectionism as it is as changing the behavior.  I have to change my theory of this excessive need of control and once I can realize the unrealistic standard, then I can counter-correct my behavior and this need.  Its definitely not easy countering this behavior, but its one step in the right direction.