Observing your perfectionism

An easy step you can take to overcome perfectionism is to observe yourself and recognize when your mind is desiring to do something perfect. I've noticed this takes a lot of patience with myself, but the key is to make a habit of noticing when it is that you feel most stressed out during the day due to perfectionism.

Once you recognize these thoughts and really observe what's going on during these moments, you can really get a grasp on what's triggering your perfection.  Whether it be cleaning your house, making a meal, planning a party or perhaps closing a deal at work, all of these situations can be pretty stressful to the perfectionist.  But the key is to observe when it is that really gets you frustrated, and make note of it.  The more you observe yourself and get a grip on when these moments occur, the more you learn.  You'll begin to see patterns and then you can take action on them. The point is, once you notice these patterns you can then start to control them and break free from them.

My advice is that you start writing down these moments.  Keep a journal.  Do whatever it takes to start observing when and where your perfectionism starts taking over your mind.

Don't pass perfectionism onto your kids

Parents passing physical traits to their children is certainly an inevitable thing.  One can't really avoid that.  However passing character traits is something that can be controlled, especially if that trait is something like perfectionism.

I already know that my middle child who is 9 is a stemming flower waiting to bloom into a perfectionist.  She certainly got my genes on that one.  She is one to get mad if her books aren't lined up correctly, let alone in alphabetical order from tallest to shortest.  She's the type that will get mad if her little sister comes in and messes up her "perfect room."  Without knowing, I've somehow passed on those tendencies through my own expectations and behaviors.  Either way, there's no sense blaming myself, but rather, realize the problem and get it corrected.

What I've learned is that even at that this young age, I CAN help my child deal with perfectionism, letting her know that while it's wonderful to begin with this grand vision, it's also ok if the end result is different than the original plan. I've also been real honest with her, telling her that I'm dealing with the same types of thoughts and letting her know that it's something I'm trying to overcome. 

Part of my healing with my own perfectionism, is seeing what direct effect it is playing on my children.  And let me tell you, it's certainly kicking me in the butt, and jump starting what was before just a semi-active movement into a "hurry up and get over this thing."  Some advice today- don't pass perfectionism onto your kids. It's bad enough to have one perfectionist in the family, let alone any more.

 

Break free from perfectionism

Over the last couple of months I have been talking about strategies to re-frame the ways you think.  For me, I struggled with complete unrealistic expectations that I was merely passing off as attainable.  However, I've been able to retrain myself on how to think about those expectations. Retrain my thoughts, so perfection is not even part of the equation.

To do this, I:

• Realized the problem
• Focused on the intention and not the outcome
• Acknowledge "Good enough" strategies
• Work on it every day to break free

For years, I felt like I could not be happy unless everything was perfect, and I was completely wrong.  What I've come to realize is this; that there is no perfect, there never will be, and if you are expecting perfection to be there, true happiness and contentment will always be out of reach for you. Instead, break yourself free from perfection.

Change Happens

Change is inevitably a part of life.  When we realize that change is not something to be feared, but rather an opportunity, we can start to let go of the fear of change.  I look back at my life even 10 years ago, and I was certainly a different person that I am today. However it was change that forced me to grow, change that forced me to become a better person than I was.  At the age of 30, I was faced with a divorce from my husband who was cheating on me, 3 young kids to care for on my own, a house I couldn't afford, and a budget that was less than permissible for a family of 4.  At my lowest point, I was down on my knees, praying to God for a change.  It was that door that God opened that ended up changing my life.

Looking back, I know that that point was also a major inflation point for my perfectionism.  Being a single mom, having to now care for, and feed my children all by myself was this huge underlying task.  I didn't have anyone to help, to take over, to let me let go.  I had to do it all.  All by myself.  And that's when it really started.  Sub-consciously, my brain was telling my body to do everything and do it perfectly.  Maybe if I was perfect, I wouldn't fail.  Maybe if I was perfect, I could be a perfect mom to my kids.  Maybe if I was perfect, I wouldn't be in this situation.  And then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Oh my gosh.  I was spending all this time trying to be perfect, and all I had to really do, is realize that none of that was true.  My divorce, my situation, my thinking that I wasn't a good mother; that had nothing to do with me not being perfect.  It was about God creating change for me, so I could inevitably be who I was destined to be. He was simply closing that door, and opening another. In that current situation, I couldn't be all that he had planned for me.  And look at me now.  I am a changed person.  I am blessed with the most beautiful and amazing life ever.  I am blessed with knowing that I have to change my ways, and stop this perfection.  Change Happens.  Embrace it.

Change the way you view failure

I believe a lot of perfectionists view failure as a bad thing. Many of us were raised to believe that if we fail at something, we either are failures, or don't have much self-worth.  However in reality, it's through failure that real learning occurs.  I think so many times I was so afraid of failing, that I just figured that if I strive for perfection than I wouldn't fail.  I was wrong. Failure is just God's way of giving you growth opportunities.

Overcoming perfection has a lot do with changing the way you view failure.  When things don't work out the way you thought they were going to, don't look at that as a failure, but really as a growth opportunity.  Part of changing this behavior involves you accepting that mistakes are part of the journey.

No matter what it is that you have set out to achieve for yourself, there's always going to be mistakes, downfalls, times when you are going to get it wrong, things you could have done better.

However, instead of dwelling on what could have been, or what should have been, take the opportunity to learn from these moments and then move on. Change the way you view failure and start living life.

I don't have to be everything

Being a mom is a difficult job.  I get it.  Being a woman is just as difficult. I'm starting to realize that perfectionism is really just the icing on the cake. In reality, I was trying to be everything to everybody, and somehow was throwing in a wrench and trying to be perfect at all of it.  I get that too.

I've been waking up at 630 lately to try to work out in the mornings. Today marks day 10 for me, and let me tell you, it has not been easy.  The reason I say that is, as a mom, as a woman, it's a difficult job to be everything.  I want to be a fit person, someone who is there for my children and active for them, then a mom, and make sure everybody is dressed and fed and out the door by 8:00, not forgetting being a woman, trying to get myself ready for work for the day and be somewhat presentable.  Then from 8 to 5, an employee, a contributor, a co-worker to my peers.  Then from 5 to 9, somehow be a mom again, feeding, homework, sports, bathing, cleaning, and everything else that happens in that small time frame.  On top of that somehow I have to be a wife, and appear sexy enough for my husband.  I get it.  When it reaches 9:30pm, I've had it.  I'm done. I'm tired.  

But life doesn't have to be me just being this passive recipient, going on the conveyor belt of life.  One thing we have to realize is that we are not in control.  We have influence, but not control. The key is to have a great well being about one self and lead with definition.  A definition of who your self worth is.  Whether it be you as mom leading your family, or you as a business leader leading your business. Realize this.  Life is going to happen.  How you interpret life, how you influence life is up to you and your choice.  For me, this life is going to happen.  So why waste another minute on trying to make it perfect.  It's difficult enough as is, no need to try to have it be some unrealistic goal due to perfectionism.  Whatever your story is, whatever your core belief, let go of trying to be everything to everybody, and just be you.

Gratitude in your life

The other day I talked about being happy with the things in your life and grateful for everything you have.  I wanted to touch on this more today from a perfectionist point of view. I think often times, I was focusing on the wrong things in life. I was trying to shape every moment to fit my expectations rather than just welcoming it as a gift. Perfectionism was me trying to control every expectation.

Like the other day, I was getting mad when things weren't my way, rather than being grateful I had time with my family.  Or even grateful that I have a family.  I think so many times, perfectionism tends to look at situations as if there isn't any choice.  And in reality, it's about realizing you do have a choice.  You have a choice, right now to make gratitude a part of your life.  No matter what happens, you have a choice to interpret a situation how you want to and be thankful for those moments.

Think about this for a moment.  You are blessed. You have this amazing life that God has created for you.  Gratitude is about loving that life as it is.  For me, it's realizing that I don't have to change people, or change situations or try to control everything. I can love life just how it is. I don't have to try to mold anything to fit some superficial perfectionist expectation that not even myself can reach.

So today, work to put more gratitude in your life.  You'll be amazed at the results!

High Standards

The other day our family was doing some much needed "fall" cleaning.  We were cleaning our play room, the room of the unending pile of "this doesn't have a home so it's going downstairs in the playroom, pile."  All you parents know exactly what I'm talking about.  Things just sort of get placed shoved there.  Well as I was cleaning, I felt myself getting frustrated with the way the others were cleaning.  I was getting mad if they didn't clean exactly the way I wanted them to, or organize the books exactly the way I thought they should be organized.  I felt myself slipping into this perfectionist coma, the inevitable thought..."If they can't clean like I want them to, then I'll just do it myself." Keep in mind, my kids are 10, 8 and 6...and by now you are probably thinking I'm crazy.

I actually had to stop myself, breathe, breathe again and then take a step back.  Right there and then I wondered to myself if I was trying to control these high standards I had set for myself, and somehow expect the same thing of my poor kids and husband.  I realized something very important at that moment.  Wasn't it enough that my kids were actually helping out with something around the house?  Wasn't it enough that a room would actually be pleasing to the eye, all done in the framework of a team effort? Wasn't it enough that our family was spending some much needed quality time together?

I should be happy that my kids and husband were putting in the effort of cleaning.  And at that moment I was.  Any thoughts of "I can do this better or That's not where that goes or Those don't look good like that" all erased from my mind at that moment.  Now don't get me wrong, it's certainly ok to have high standards.  But when the high standards are trying to control others on what they do, then it's time to rethink those standards.

So today, let your husband help out with the diaper on the baby, even if he puts it on backwards.  Let the kids clean and feel proud of their accomplishment, even if the books are not completely organized.  And let those people in your life help out when they offer to help you, knowing that you can't do this alone.  Put your perfectionist ways of controlling other people's standards away and focus on other things in life.  Things like enjoying some family time, cleaning the playroom together.

Take action against your Perfectionism

My husband yesterday wrote in his blog about having an action plan to achieve success.  Overcoming perfection most certainly needs that same type of action.  An action plan to set yourself free from perfectionism.  It's one thing to think about wanting to overcome this, but actually taking action to do it, is the key factor.  It does not matter how frustrated you have felt in the past, or how hopeless you feel right now.  You are now able to overcome the mental handcuff of perfectionism.

Here are the steps in my Action plan that is leading me to achieve success:

• Recognize the root of the perfectionist problem
• Apply mental strategies to overcome some of the fears that are underlying from this problem
• Practice this and work to reprogram your mind to stay perfectionist-free

I've talked several times about first realizing the problem.  It's really important to know what you are dealing with and recognizing what might actually be the root of your problem.

For me, it was the fear of failure, fear of losing control, and fear of not getting it right. What I've been able to do to help me overcome this, is to recognize the problem. Then, I've applied many mental strategies to help me heal.  Things like "I am good enough.  I am deserving enough.  It's ok if I lose control, and lastly, I'm not perfect." Going through a lot of these thoughts is helping me to overcome this fear of failure, and really helping to overcome perfection.

Once you have this clear picture of the problem, then you can take action against these traits.  The key is to reprogram your mind and control any triggers that may lead to this behaviour.

Take Time to Heal

As with any type of self-help solution, things take time.  I look back at my life, and how long it took for me to become a perfectionist.  I'm talking probably almost 11 years, well, for me to at least realize I had a problem.  So my point is today, healing is certainly not going to be anything you can accomplish overnight, especially if this is something that has been plaguing your life for sometime now.

I have certainly realized that.  I look back about 7 or 8 months, when I was really starting to realize my controlling problem of perfectionism and then look at myself today.  I certainly haven't healed 100% yet. I still have moments of control, moments of needing to be perfect and certainly moments that are setting me back.  But what I can realize is this, I am healing, one step at a time.  Slowly, yes, but I am taking time to heal myself.  I look in the mirror and know that I am better than that person I was 8 months ago, better than that person even 3 months ago, and even better than the person I was last week.

The point is to keep working at it.  Find something that helps you heal. Whether it be reading blogs like this, reading books that help you from wanting to be in control, or even simpler, starting to write your own thoughts of what perfectionism means to you.  Find something that helps you to take that time that is much needed to heal.

Perfectionism is not going to be healed overnight, but find in yourself the strength to make a point to get a little better everyday.  Believe me, it will help in the long run.

Who cares what others think?

A lot of what perfection is, constitutes what others think about you.  But it goes even deeper, and it's how you perceive yourself, or even worse, how you think others perceive you.


I think this is such a profound statement.  For so many years, my productivity was being dictated by the fear of other's judgment.  Meaning, I was so worried about being judged by others, that I felt this fear of loosing everything.

My excellence was such a narrowly defined perfection, that even I couldn't achieve some of the standards I had set for myself.  This self destruction was a recipe for disaster.  All these things in my head, What if I'm not a perfect parent?  What if I loose control? What if my house is a disaster, and the inevitable happens, and I get company?  What if my body isn't perfectly toned? What if I don't get that job, what if I don't get that interview? What if I don't get that promotion?  All these questions, were me making this preconceived notion that everyone else in the world would judge me, if any one of these questions were not answered correctly. 

What I've realized is this:  Who cares what others think?  Create inside of you a pathway that allows for you to separate results from judgment.  A pathway that allows for you to strive for the results that are best for you, and only you.  Study to learn instead of getting a perfect score, eat and exercise for piece of mind and health, rather than just simple weight targets. Clean/organize to be tidy, not to impress. And lastly live to be happy.  Not perfect.

Imperfect Parent

Part of my struggle of being a parent is trying to keep it all together.  I am here to admit that I do not have it all together. I am not a perfect mom.

I know that I'm not alone in this journey of life, and I can bet that there are many of you out there that know this same thing.  But many of you need that reminder in life, just as I do sometimes as well.  Whether it be parenting, or work, or relationships, we do not have to live this life as desperate people. Desperate for trying to be all that we can, and the most perfect we can be.   I get it.  I lay awake sometimes, with a deep need to get it right.  Deep down I really want to do things right.  I want to be a good mom.  I want to be a good wife.  I want to have it all under control.

However that constant reminder that keeps hovering over my head is this. Nobody is perfect.  There is no perfect parent. No perfect child.  No matter how many books I read, or how many blogs I follow, I have to know that there is no one solution for getting things right.    So doing the right thing does not equal having to be perfect.  Doing life right does not mean perfection. 

I know that life is a big job. In fact, I've had the thought before of "If I'm not perfect than why try?"  But as soon as I get that thought in my mind that I am here to do everything by myself, I have to remind myself that I'm not alone.  I should not "lean not on my own understanding, but yet seek the Lord first."

Overcoming perfectionism

During my blog, I have talked about some of the key things that have plagued me.

Here are some steps that I've mentioned so far that I have compiled that have helped me to overcome this:

1)  Recognize Perfectionism - There is nothing wrong with having standards in your life, attainable goals you want to achieve, but when these standards are set so high that they are getting in the way of your social well-being/work/school and life in general, then it's time to realize the problem.  Refer to How to spot a perfectionist about the traits of a perfectionist.

2) Change your behaviors and your way of thinking- In a society where Perfect is the new standard, many adults including myself, are often very critical of themselves.  I work on this everyday, so don't expect an overnight change, but the key is to change that behavior, that critical thinking and turn it into more realistic thoughts and goals. It's ok to make mistakes.  And yes, I tell myself that everyday.



The other key point I want to make is that perfectionism can lie in so many ways in people's lives.  It can be a matter of work, or writing, or school, organization or tidiness, looks or appearance, or even passed down to their outcomes -children or significant others.  The key is to identify all of the areas in your life that it is affecting and work on the problems from there.  For me, I don't have just one area, it's multiple.  So, yes I can pinpoint these areas, but know, that each area will have to be worked on as you go along. Till next time.

Definition of perfectionist

I recently read the definition of a perfectionist:

"Perfectionists are often very precise, driven, extremely task-oriented individuals, who not only strive toward excellence, but also attempt to achieve flawlessness in whatever task they undertake"


Ah, yes, that would describe me.  No doubt about it.  And as some theorist believe that people may be predisposed to being a perfectionist, or perhaps born with the traits,  I believe that mine was due to a sum of several factors that actually got worse over time.

I certainly wasn't born this way, in fact wasn't even this way in High School. But my environment, my life experiences, my problem solving abilities, certainly led up to this. I really feel like it got worse over time.  First I noticed right after I had kids, I started to feel like I had to be in control.  Then it transpired into trying to be perfect, after my first husband left me and the kids and ended up in divorce.  When I had reached my lowest and had no where else to go but up, I decided to go back to school to get my master's degree.  Then full blown perfectionism set in.  Not only did I want to be perfect at school, but 99.9% wasn't good enough.  Even sometimes 100% wasn't good enough.  I know hard to believe.  But that's how the disease works.  It's demoralizing. Perfectionism makes you feel like you are never good enough.  You have to strive to always be more. 

And so, I finally realized the need to change.

Like anything else, most changes require regular, concerted effort on the part of the person desiring to make the change. I know that changing my behavior requires a consistent effort on my part.  But my advice to you today is to start slowly.  That's exactly what I'm doing.  One foot in front of the other.  Forming new habits and new beliefs.

We are not Perfect

I have come to realize that perfectionism is me denying two very basic truths:

1. I am not perfect.
2. I am not in control.

You see, when we take in this law of perfection, we are infected with the feeling of self doubt which eats away at every area of our lives. This certainly has happened in my life.



The more perfect I am, or that I believe, the more valid I feel as a person. But with every advance in one area, I find myself wanting in another. I know I struggle with the fact of not being good enough, therefore on some level that transpires into not being deserving enough of love, happiness, or even life itself.

In the past I have dealt with or feared that my imperfections will expose my failures, when actually they show the places I have grown.

So my thought today, and thank you to my wonderful husband for helping me with this, is this:
When I don't think I'm good enough. STOP.  When I don't think I'm qualified. STOP.  When I fail to see the woman I have become and all that I have gone through.  STOP.

Stop feeling sorry and let the man who is in complete control, and complete perfection, the man up above be who he is.  It's not our job to impersonate him.  It's not our job to be perfect and in control.  It's his. 

How to spot perfectionism

I read a very interesting article today:

http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/perfectionism.htm

Perfectionism Overcoming All-or-Nothing Thinking

All credit goes to Mindtools.com, however there was some very interesting points I wanted to share that I took from the article:


How to Spot Perfectionism


It can be quite easy to recognize maladaptive perfectionism in yourself, if this is a problem. Look for some of these traits in your own actions and behavior:

• You have very high or unrealistic goals. If you can't be the very best, you sometimes give up.
• You see any mistake as a failure, and if someone does a task or project better than you, you feel that you've failed.
• You might also conceal your mistakes from others.
• You often hand work in late, because you keep redoing it, or you keep procrastinating.
• You feel uncomfortable whenever you don't achieve your definition of perfection.
• You don't like taking risks, because there is then no guarantee that you can do the task perfectly.
• You stick with safer tasks, because you know that you can achieve them.
• You don't enjoy the process of learning and working; you only care about the result.
• You often exhibit all-or-nothing thinking: either something is perfect, or it's a failure.
• You have an unhealthy attachment to others' opinions.
• You feel that if your flaws are exposed, others will reject you.
• You don't handle criticism and feedback well.
• You may apply your own unrealistic standards to those around you, becoming critical when colleagues don't meet those expectations. As a result, you may not have many close relationships at work.
• You have a difficult time delegating tasks to others.

Do you recognize any of these traits in yourself?

My prayer today

What if I loose control?

Have you ever had the feeling that if everything is perfect, than you will be in control?  Well, what if you loose control?  I'm talking to all the people out there that have ever felt the need to be in control.  I get it.  I'm a mom of 3 young kids, ages 10, 8 and 6.  I'm a wife, a mom, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a full-time employee... and yes being pulled 8 different ways.  There are so many areas in my life where I feel like I have to be in control, because if I'm not, I'm just going to loose everything.  All these plates I'm juggling in the air, should I loose control of any one of them, I could loose it all. 

And so, for so long, I just figured, if I'm perfect, and somehow I magically try to be wonder woman and juggle everything and yes, control everything, things will be ok.  Perhaps you have felt this same way. 

So today, I'm working on this.  I'm working on all of this emotion of trying to take those feelings to be more structured in a way so I don't have to feel like I have to be in control.  I have help available, I just have to ask for it.  I can still be all those things, a mom, a wife, an employee and on and on, but I don't have to control those all any more.  I can let go of that.

Steps I'm taking to overcome perfectionism

Overcoming perfectionism is not an easy thing, and certainly something that I work on, on a daily basis.

Here are some simple steps that I am working on to help me:


1) Realize the problem-  Realizing the traits is really the key thing to do to start out.  By becoming aware of what is controlling you, you are then in a better position to try to fix them, or overcome them.

2) Work through the positive aspects of Perfectionism - And, yes there are positives.  It really isn't all negative.  I've realized that if I work through the positives, the negatives tend to then outweigh themselves, rather than me focusing on all of the negative.

3) Keep expectations real- Make sure you are making progress, but have realistic expectations of when you want to change.  Make small steps to improving rather than thinking that this pattern will change overnight.

Recommendation of Book

Wanted to share this with everyone.  I read this book about 6 months ago, and really made an impact on my life.  With Amy's insight and expertise, this is a definite recommendation!  I loved it!

Letting Go of Perfect by Amy E. Spiegel                                                                                     

You look Perfect!

With being a mom of three, I try to watch myself as much as possible when throwing around "perfect" in my house.  I know that I have 6 little pairs of eyes watching me and learning from me 24/7.  The last thing I want to do is pass along that perfectionism trait to them.

However, just this morning, my daughter turned to me and said "Mom, how do I look?"  With no hesitation, I replied "Perfect!"      AAAAAHHHH!

What am I doing?  I simply did not mean to create such a high standard for my daughter, I was just replying in what I thought was great!

This is a lesson well learned this morning...   No one is perfect.   Find better words to describe your children.  

Does Perfection = Expert?

I attended an interesting webinar the other day, entitled "What is a Social Media Expert?".  A lot of the information about the seminar really was geared toward Social Media, Best Practices, Usages, and really, what is an expert when it comes to Social Media. Or when is someone deemed an expert in the Social Media Industry?  Does someone have to have extensive training to be an expert in this field?  Does someone have to be in this, day in, day out, living and breathing Social Media to be an expert? The thing that caught my attention was a Harvard study that was mentioned during the webinar that was done about what makes a Musician an expert.  The study mentioned 10,000 hours it takes a normal person to become an expert in the musician industry.  The mention of this then talked about if that was transferred over to social media, that would be an equivalent of 28 years *(if practicing social media for an hour a day).

So then that made my brain think.  28 years to become an expert. Can you imagine what Social Media will be like in 28 years?  So in this scenario, certainly 28 is a longer time than expected for anyone to know this field.

I deal with this all the time with my perfection, and I know that it holds me back.  It holds me back from applying to jobs, for advancing or even having the confidence to move forward.  I certainly don't want to be deemed an expert until I know "everything, and anything".  Until I'm perfect.  Until I'm perfectly qualified. If I have one more designation, or one more training, maybe then I would be qualified.

So my question is this.  Is there ever a time that someone will be a perfect expert?  Or completely perfect?  OF COURSE NOT! With the world as it is today, ever changing, there is no possibility of that.  You can certainly be good at what you do, an influencer in your industry, an expert in other people's minds, and even yours, but certainly EXPERT does not have to equal PERFECT. 

The object of today's writings is not associate expert with perfection.  It's ok to not have all of the qualifications but still apply for the job, it's ok to not know every single thing but still be considered an expert.  It's all about perception, on how you perceive yourself.  Perceive yourself as the best person you can be, the most excellent at what you do, and that's all that matters.  There is no perfect expert. 


Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence. 
     -Vince Lombardi

The most difficult part of attaining perfection is finding something to do for an encore.  ~Author Unknown

Letting Time get the best of me

I wonder sometimes how one day I look at the calendar, and it's May, and then the next day I look again and it's July.  I know I am guilty of letting time get the best of me, and also realizing that time goes way to fast.

This brings me to my next point of perfection, and that is making the most of every moment.  We all know that time goes fast.  All you parents out there know exactly what I'm talking about, the day you take your baby to Kindergarten for their first day, or the day you turn around and you have a 15 year old. 

Non parents, can also probably side with me as well, when all of a sudden they reach their 40th birthday and wonder what happened the last 10 years.

My point is, yes time goes fast.  So why not savor every minute, and by savoring I mean, not sweating the small stuff.  Part of my healing routine has been to "calm" down when I've needed to really "calm down".  I'm not talking about the over excitement or over anxiousness that many of us experience. I'm talking about the calming of my inner soul, the calming of not thinking everything has to be in order. I've realized I've waisted quite a bit of time, worrying or being anxious about not having all my ducks in a row.  I've waisted a lot of time, planning and planning, till my lists had lists, when in all good time, I really didn't need a list... I just needed to calm down.

It wasn't until recently that I realized that my perfection was getting in the way of me enjoying life to it's fullest. There were times that I wouldn't go outside with my children, because I was too busy cleaning up after dinner, or times that I would miss an opportunity like seeing a hot air balloon go over my house, because I was too busy getting things in order for the next morning. Any vacation, car trip, or even camping adventure was so planned out, that even my kids and husband would laugh at me, asking me to just be spontaneous and enjoy the trip!   Time does go by way to fast, and soon I realized that I was missing out on many things that meant a lot to me.  Just like the saying "take time to smell the roses"... I have a new saying... "take time to not plan".

Spontaneous is definitely a new word in my vocabulary. It hasn't been easy, in fact even difficult at times.  How could I possibly get through a whole weekend, with out being in total control, and have everything packed to a "T".  But I'm healing.  I'm letting spontaneous take over in parts of my life. It's not going to be a miracle change overnight, but it's something that is definitely helping me heal from perfection.

So for today, I'm going to vow, that I'm "not going to let Time get the best of me".

Till next time.

Healing

I've started to realize how much time I spend worrying about the things I cannot change. I feel like with my kids, with my everyday life, my work and myself, I would be so much more happier if I didn't have to worry about things or how I could make them more perfect.  For instance, I struggle with my house and trying to keep it clean.  With 3 kids it has become a lost battle, everyday my house is less than perfect, but yet, I spend the time worrying about how I can clean it, or if I just cleaned it a little, I could relax.  That time, that energy I could have spent enjoying some time with my husband or kids, or even better... much deserved me time.   Today I am going to work on not worrying about the things I cannot change.  Accept that my house will never be perfect, and stop trying to think that it possibly will.   So when my dishes have overcome my kitchen sink, I will not fret and know that there are more important things in life.

Day 3

Is it sad that I have to remind myself, I am not perfect, nor will I ever be?  I think though, a constant reminder might be a good thing.  Repetition is the fastest way to healing.  Day 3 of healing....constantly remind myself that I don't have to always be in control, I don't have to feel that way. 

Day 2 of healing

Day 2-

Nobody is perfect.  I know that, I know that God never asks us to be perfect, nor is anyone ever expecting for me to be perfect.  So why do I have these feelings? Why does everything have to be just this "dream life."  After my husband told me to put down my rope, I started to think about things in my own life and reflect upon things personally. 

Being a mom of 3, 2 girls and 1 boy all under the age of 10, my life is never calm.  In fact, a mess often times, and far from perfect.  In fact, digging deeper, I would never think of expecting any one of my kids to be perfect.  I would never expect my husband to be most perfect husband.  So why so much pressure on myself?  Is anyone else like that? 

I have at least figured out that yes I have a problem, but overcoming it, well, I guess I just have to start at the beginning.  I guess I can't take that leap, the leap to the next chapter of my life, if I'm not willing to take the next step.

Day 1 of healing:

So why this blog you ask?  Well, first most, I have desired to be a changed woman. No longer do I want to feel like my life has to be perfect. No longer do I want to feel like I have to always be in control.  So today starts my healing.  Today starts my writing to capture those feelings and to write them down.  Hopefully through some faith, some thoughts and some true belief, I can eliminate those emotions inside of me.

So why now?  Well, let me begin by telling you of my weakness.  Being of a mom of three, has certainly been tough, there are times when I feel like I'm at the end of my rope.  Healthy?  Absolutely not, but permissible, certainly.  It was just when my oh so gracious husband, said "Honey, why don't you put that rope down?"  I stopped in my tracks.  What do you mean put the rope down?  He said, "Just put it down, and pick up where you left off later? Instead of getting to the end of it, just let go."   What a profound statement, and something, honestly admitting, I had never heard of.

If I put that rope down, then I loose control. I loose everything I've been hanging on to, the feeling of "if I just keep hold of it, then I can prove I'm superwoman, I can prove I'm perfect, and everyone will think I'm in control."

Insane thoughts.  Has anyone ever felt like this?  Where did these feelings ever come from?  It was at that moment, that I realized...I have a problem.  I have the need to always feel in control.  And so today starts, Day 1 of my healing.  To become a changed woman, a woman that doesn't have to feel like she's in control, a woman who doesn't have to be perfect.  A woman that is free from those feelings.

Perfectionism

Perfectionism is something I have struggled with for many years.  In my daily personal life, in my work and even raising my 3 kids, I have felt the need to always be perfect, to always have things under control.  However I'm realizing very quickly, there is no perfect, there is no one except for myself who is expecting perfect and there is no reason I need to beat myself up while trying to achieve the impossible. That's when I decided to write down my thoughts, my inner feelings and hopefully overcome the perfectionist inside me and cure myself through writing. If you are dealing witht the same issues, I encourage you to read along and share your story, and hopefully together, we be cured.