Break free from perfectionism

Over the last couple of months I have been talking about strategies to re-frame the ways you think.  For me, I struggled with complete unrealistic expectations that I was merely passing off as attainable.  However, I've been able to retrain myself on how to think about those expectations. Retrain my thoughts, so perfection is not even part of the equation.

To do this, I:

• Realized the problem
• Focused on the intention and not the outcome
• Acknowledge "Good enough" strategies
• Work on it every day to break free

For years, I felt like I could not be happy unless everything was perfect, and I was completely wrong.  What I've come to realize is this; that there is no perfect, there never will be, and if you are expecting perfection to be there, true happiness and contentment will always be out of reach for you. Instead, break yourself free from perfection.

I don't have to be everything

Being a mom is a difficult job.  I get it.  Being a woman is just as difficult. I'm starting to realize that perfectionism is really just the icing on the cake. In reality, I was trying to be everything to everybody, and somehow was throwing in a wrench and trying to be perfect at all of it.  I get that too.

I've been waking up at 630 lately to try to work out in the mornings. Today marks day 10 for me, and let me tell you, it has not been easy.  The reason I say that is, as a mom, as a woman, it's a difficult job to be everything.  I want to be a fit person, someone who is there for my children and active for them, then a mom, and make sure everybody is dressed and fed and out the door by 8:00, not forgetting being a woman, trying to get myself ready for work for the day and be somewhat presentable.  Then from 8 to 5, an employee, a contributor, a co-worker to my peers.  Then from 5 to 9, somehow be a mom again, feeding, homework, sports, bathing, cleaning, and everything else that happens in that small time frame.  On top of that somehow I have to be a wife, and appear sexy enough for my husband.  I get it.  When it reaches 9:30pm, I've had it.  I'm done. I'm tired.  

But life doesn't have to be me just being this passive recipient, going on the conveyor belt of life.  One thing we have to realize is that we are not in control.  We have influence, but not control. The key is to have a great well being about one self and lead with definition.  A definition of who your self worth is.  Whether it be you as mom leading your family, or you as a business leader leading your business. Realize this.  Life is going to happen.  How you interpret life, how you influence life is up to you and your choice.  For me, this life is going to happen.  So why waste another minute on trying to make it perfect.  It's difficult enough as is, no need to try to have it be some unrealistic goal due to perfectionism.  Whatever your story is, whatever your core belief, let go of trying to be everything to everybody, and just be you.

Take Time to Heal

As with any type of self-help solution, things take time.  I look back at my life, and how long it took for me to become a perfectionist.  I'm talking probably almost 11 years, well, for me to at least realize I had a problem.  So my point is today, healing is certainly not going to be anything you can accomplish overnight, especially if this is something that has been plaguing your life for sometime now.

I have certainly realized that.  I look back about 7 or 8 months, when I was really starting to realize my controlling problem of perfectionism and then look at myself today.  I certainly haven't healed 100% yet. I still have moments of control, moments of needing to be perfect and certainly moments that are setting me back.  But what I can realize is this, I am healing, one step at a time.  Slowly, yes, but I am taking time to heal myself.  I look in the mirror and know that I am better than that person I was 8 months ago, better than that person even 3 months ago, and even better than the person I was last week.

The point is to keep working at it.  Find something that helps you heal. Whether it be reading blogs like this, reading books that help you from wanting to be in control, or even simpler, starting to write your own thoughts of what perfectionism means to you.  Find something that helps you to take that time that is much needed to heal.

Perfectionism is not going to be healed overnight, but find in yourself the strength to make a point to get a little better everyday.  Believe me, it will help in the long run.

Definition of perfectionist

I recently read the definition of a perfectionist:

"Perfectionists are often very precise, driven, extremely task-oriented individuals, who not only strive toward excellence, but also attempt to achieve flawlessness in whatever task they undertake"


Ah, yes, that would describe me.  No doubt about it.  And as some theorist believe that people may be predisposed to being a perfectionist, or perhaps born with the traits,  I believe that mine was due to a sum of several factors that actually got worse over time.

I certainly wasn't born this way, in fact wasn't even this way in High School. But my environment, my life experiences, my problem solving abilities, certainly led up to this. I really feel like it got worse over time.  First I noticed right after I had kids, I started to feel like I had to be in control.  Then it transpired into trying to be perfect, after my first husband left me and the kids and ended up in divorce.  When I had reached my lowest and had no where else to go but up, I decided to go back to school to get my master's degree.  Then full blown perfectionism set in.  Not only did I want to be perfect at school, but 99.9% wasn't good enough.  Even sometimes 100% wasn't good enough.  I know hard to believe.  But that's how the disease works.  It's demoralizing. Perfectionism makes you feel like you are never good enough.  You have to strive to always be more. 

And so, I finally realized the need to change.

Like anything else, most changes require regular, concerted effort on the part of the person desiring to make the change. I know that changing my behavior requires a consistent effort on my part.  But my advice to you today is to start slowly.  That's exactly what I'm doing.  One foot in front of the other.  Forming new habits and new beliefs.