Friday, November 29, 2013

Break free from perfectionism

Over the last couple of months I have been talking about strategies to re-frame the ways you think.  For me, I struggled with complete unrealistic expectations that I was merely passing off as attainable.  However, I've been able to retrain myself on how to think about those expectations. Retrain my thoughts, so perfection is not even part of the equation.

To do this, I:
  • Realized the problem
  • Focused on the intention and not the outcome
  • Acknowledge "Good enough" strategies
  • Work on it every day to break free
For years, I felt like I could not be happy unless everything was perfect, and I was completely wrong.  What I've come to realize is this; that there is no perfect, there never will be, and if you are expecting perfection to be there, true happiness and contentment will always be out of reach for you. Instead, break yourself free from perfection.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Change Happens

Change is inevitably a part of life.  When we realize that change is not something to be feared, but rather an opportunity, we can start to let go of the fear of change.  I look back at my life even 10 years ago, and I was certainly a different person that I am today. However it was change that forced me to grow, change that forced me to become a better person than I was.  At the age of 30, I was faced with a divorce from my husband who was cheating on me, 3 young kids to care for on my own, a house I couldn't afford, and a budget that was less than permissible for a family of 4.  At my lowest point, I was down on my knees, praying to God for a change.  It was that door that God opened that ended up changing my life.

Looking back, I know that that point was also a major inflation point for my perfectionism.  Being a single mom, having to now care for, and feed my children all by myself was this huge underlying task.  I didn't have anyone to help, to take over, to let me let go.  I had to do it all.  All by myself.  And that's when it really started.  Sub-consciously, my brain was telling my body to do everything and do it perfectly.  Maybe if I was perfect, I wouldn't fail.  Maybe if I was perfect, I could be a perfect mom to my kids.  Maybe if I was perfect, I wouldn't be in this situation.  And then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Oh my gosh.  I was spending all this time trying to be perfect, and all I had to really do, is realize that none of that was true.  My divorce, my situation, my thinking that I wasn't a good mother; that had nothing to do with me not being perfect.  It was about God creating change for me, so I could inevitably be who I was destined to be. He was simply closing that door, and opening another. In that current situation, I couldn't be all that he had planned for me.  And look at me now.  I am a changed person.  I am blessed with the most beautiful and amazing life ever.  I am blessed with knowing that I have to change my ways, and stop this perfection.  Change Happens.  Embrace it.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Change the way you view failure

I believe a lot of perfectionists view failure as a bad thing. Many of us were raised to believe that if we fail at something, we either are failures, or don't have much self-worth.  However in reality, it's through failure that real learning occurs.  I think so many times I was so afraid of failing, that I just figured that if I strive for perfection than I wouldn't fail.  I was wrong. Failure is just God's way of giving you growth opportunities.

Overcoming perfection has a lot do with changing the way you view failure.  When things don't work out the way you thought they were going to, don't look at that as a failure, but really as a growth opportunity.  Part of changing this behavior involves you accepting that mistakes are part of the journey.

No matter what it is that you have set out to achieve for yourself, there's always going to be mistakes, downfalls, times when you are going to get it wrong, things you could have done better.

However, instead of dwelling on what could have been, or what should have been, take the opportunity to learn from these moments and then move on. Change the way you view failure and start living life.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

I don't have to be everything

Being a mom is a difficult job.  I get it.  Being a woman is just as difficult. I'm starting to realize that perfectionism is really just the icing on the cake. In reality, I was trying to be everything to everybody, and somehow was throwing in a wrench and trying to be perfect at all of it.  I get that too.

I've been waking up at 630 lately to try to work out in the mornings. Today marks day 10 for me, and let me tell you, it has not been easy.  The reason I say that is, as a mom, as a woman, it's a difficult job to be everything.  I want to be a fit person, someone who is there for my children and active for them, then a mom, and make sure everybody is dressed and fed and out the door by 8:00, not forgetting being a woman, trying to get myself ready for work for the day and be somewhat presentable.  Then from 8 to 5, an employee, a contributor, a co-worker to my peers.  Then from 5 to 9, somehow be a mom again, feeding, homework, sports, bathing, cleaning, and everything else that happens in that small time frame.  On top of that somehow I have to be a wife, and appear sexy enough for my husband.  I get it.  When it reaches 9:30pm, I've had it.  I'm done. I'm tired.  

But life doesn't have to be me just being this passive recipient, going on the conveyor belt of life.  One thing we have to realize is that we are not in control.  We have influence, but not control. The key is to have a great well being about one self and lead with definition.  A definition of who your self worth is.  Whether it be you as mom leading your family, or you as a business leader leading your business. Realize this.  Life is going to happen.  How you interpret life, how you influence life is up to you and your choice.  For me, this life is going to happen.  So why waste another minute on trying to make it perfect.  It's difficult enough as is, no need to try to have it be some unrealistic goal due to perfectionism.  Whatever your story is, whatever your core belief, let go of trying to be everything to everybody, and just be you.

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Gratitude in your life

The other day I talked about being happy with the things in your life and grateful for everything you have.  I wanted to touch on this more today from a perfectionist point of view. I think often times, I was focusing on the wrong things in life. I was trying to shape every moment to fit my expectations rather than just welcoming it as a gift. Perfectionism was me trying to control every expectation.

Like the other day, I was getting mad when things weren't my way, rather than being grateful I had time with my family.  Or even grateful that I have a family.  I think so many times, perfectionism tends to look at situations as if there isn't any choice.  And in reality, it's about realizing you do have a choice.  You have a choice, right now to make gratitude a part of your life.  No matter what happens, you have a choice to interpret a situation how you want to and be thankful for those moments.

Think about this for a moment.  You are blessed. You have this amazing life that God has created for you.  Gratitude is about loving that life as it is.  For me, it's realizing that I don't have to change people, or change situations or try to control everything. I can love life just how it is. I don't have to try to mold anything to fit some superficial perfectionist expectation that not even myself can reach.

So today, work to put more gratitude in your life.  You'll be amazed at the results!

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

High Standards

The other day our family was doing some much needed "fall" cleaning.  We were cleaning our play room, the room of the unending pile of "this doesn't have a home so it's going downstairs in the playroom, pile."  All you parents know exactly what I'm talking about.  Things just sort of get placed shoved there.  Well as I was cleaning, I felt myself getting frustrated with the way the others were cleaning.  I was getting mad if they didn't clean exactly the way I wanted them to, or organize the books exactly the way I thought they should be organized.  I felt myself slipping into this perfectionist coma, the inevitable thought..."If they can't clean like I want them to, then I'll just do it myself." Keep in mind, my kids are 10, 8 and 6...and by now you are probably thinking I'm crazy.

I actually had to stop myself, breathe, breathe again and then take a step back.  Right there and then I wondered to myself if I was trying to control these high standards I had set for myself, and somehow expect the same thing of my poor kids and husband.  I realized something very important at that moment.  Wasn't it enough that my kids were actually helping out with something around the house?  Wasn't it enough that a room would actually be pleasing to the eye, all done in the framework of a team effort? Wasn't it enough that our family was spending some much needed quality time together?

I should be happy that my kids and husband were putting in the effort of cleaning.  And at that moment I was.  Any thoughts of "I can do this better or That's not where that goes or Those don't look good like that" all erased from my mind at that moment.  Now don't get me wrong, it's certainly ok to have high standards.  But when the high standards are trying to control others on what they do, then it's time to rethink those standards.

So today, let your husband help out with the diaper on the baby, even if he puts it on backwards.  Let the kids clean and feel proud of their accomplishment, even if the books are not completely organized.  And let those people in your life help out when they offer to help you, knowing that you can't do this alone.  Put your perfectionist ways of controlling other people's standards away and focus on other things in life.  Things like enjoying some family time, cleaning the playroom together.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Take action against your Perfectionism

My husband yesterday wrote in his blog about having an action plan to achieve success.  Overcoming perfection most certainly needs that same type of action.  An action plan to set yourself free from perfectionism.  It's one thing to think about wanting to overcome this, but actually taking action to do it, is the key factor.  It does not matter how frustrated you have felt in the past, or how hopeless you feel right now.  You are now able to overcome the mental handcuff of perfectionism.

Here are the steps in my Action plan that is leading me to achieve success:

  • Recognize the root of the perfectionist problem
  • Apply mental strategies to overcome some of the fears that are underlying from this problem
  • Practice this and work to reprogram your mind to stay perfectionist-free
I've talked several times about first realizing the problem.  It's really important to know what you are dealing with and recognizing what might actually be the root of your problem.

For me, it was the fear of failure, fear of losing control, and fear of not getting it right. What I've been able to do to help me overcome this, is to recognize the problem. Then, I've applied many mental strategies to help me heal.  Things like "I am good enough.  I am deserving enough.  It's ok if I lose control, and lastly, I'm not perfect." Going through a lot of these thoughts is helping me to overcome this fear of failure, and really helping to overcome perfection.

Once you have this clear picture of the problem, then you can take action against these traits.  The key is to reprogram your mind and control any triggers that may lead to this behaviour.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Take Time to Heal

As with any type of self-help solution, things take time.  I look back at my life, and how long it took for me to become a perfectionist.  I'm talking probably almost 11 years, well, for me to at least realize I had a problem.  So my point is today, healing is certainly not going to be anything you can accomplish overnight, especially if this is something that has been plaguing your life for sometime now.

I have certainly realized that.  I look back about 7 or 8 months, when I was really starting to realize my controlling problem of perfectionism and then look at myself today.  I certainly haven't healed 100% yet. I still have moments of control, moments of needing to be perfect and certainly moments that are setting me back.  But what I can realize is this, I am healing, one step at a time.  Slowly, yes, but I am taking time to heal myself.  I look in the mirror and know that I am better than that person I was 8 months ago, better than that person even 3 months ago, and even better than the person I was last week.

The point is to keep working at it.  Find something that helps you heal. Whether it be reading blogs like this, reading books that help you from wanting to be in control, or even simpler, starting to write your own thoughts of what perfectionism means to you.  Find something that helps you to take that time that is much needed to heal.

Perfectionism is not going to be healed overnight, but find in yourself the strength to make a point to get a little better everyday.  Believe me, it will help in the long run.