Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Not enough?

Do you ever feel like you are not enough?  I know many times I've sat down and thought these exact words.  That everything I do, all that I give, somehow, I just don't feel like I'm enough.

I had the chance to watch Mom's Night Out this weekend, and if you haven't seen it, I certainly recommend it for any mom.  It touches on this very topic of being enough.  I think so many times we beat ourselves up on thinking that we are not enough, or somehow we are just destined to fail.  As a mom, that can certainly be the case, as a perfectionist mom, it reigns so often as true.

Jesus didn't make a mistake with us when he created us, he loves us for who we are.  And the only thing we have to be is enough for ourselves.  He'll take care of the rest.

Life is about finding the joy, the meaning, the purpose in all that life has to offer, even through all of the chaos.  So if you are questioning if you are enough, just like I do many times in my life, the answer is yes.  Yes, you are enough.  You are what God intended you to be.  

Friday, October 24, 2014

I can't do it all

Sometimes hidden in my mind, I have this feeling, that I can do it all.  I can do everything.  Meaning, I can wear multiple hats and not skip a beat. I think a lot of time, perfectionists think “I got this, I can do it all”.  We pile on more than what we can handle, and try to bite off more than we can chew.  Realistically though, I can not do it all. I cannot do everything.  I am only one person.  

I’m a mom, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a Director, and sometimes (A taxi cab driver, psychologist, babysitter, chef, peace-maker, a doctor, and all the other jobs that come along with being a mom of three kids.) People ask me all the time “How do you do it all?” I just tell them, “I don’t”.  There are definitely things that I’ve learned over the years that help me at least stay on top of it all, or perhaps even seem like I do it all have. These include
  1. Making Lists- I have lists upon lists, but keeping track of everything helps me stay grounded, and on task
  2. Delegating- Through learning that I can’t do it all, I’ve also learned that I need to delegate in order to get projects done.  That means at home, I have the family help out and at work, I delegate tasks to other people that can get the job done faster than me.
  3. Have Faith- I know in the bible it says “I can do all things through him who gives me strength”, but that does not mean all things, all the time.  It means the secret of being content in any and every situation and being able to do anything through God. Having faith that you will get through the day, even in times of sorrow.

We don’t need to be superman, or superwomen, and think that we can accomplish everything, or think at any moment, we can do it all.  We don’t have to be everything to everybody all the time.  We just have to be the best that we can be at any given moment, and know that we can not do it all.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Stop comparing

I've been looking at my house lately wishing it was more perfect inside.  I've gotten in a habit of noticing other houses that look more "in place" than mine.  Everything has a place, everything put away, it seems so ideal. So beautiful.  I find myself than comparing my house to others. If I'm over at a friends house or just happen to see a beautiful house in the paper, or news, I quickly find myself jealous and wanting my house to look just like that.

I take a look around, and there's clothes everywhere, clean clothes waiting to be folded on the couch, dirty ones waiting to be washed. Things that have been brought home from school that are now sitting on our desk. Shoes crowding up the hallway.  Paperwork piling up in every little space, and somehow every nook and cranny seems to be filled. As much as I try to clean up, I never can get to that "perfect" everything in its place look.  The kind that just stepped out of a for sale ad.  You know the type.

So then I get mad and notice my perfectionism creeping through. I find myself asking "how do I get my house perfect?" Perhaps I do need to spend some time getting rid of things. But number one thing, I need to stop comparing my house to others.  My house is beautiful, it really is. I need to just focus on what I can change inside and stop comparing to what other people have.  My house does not need to be perfect like theirs. If I truly want my house to look different, and this is more about wanting a change in the house, than I need to start small and start with one room at a time. No need to waste my time hoping to make my house perfect.

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Mistakes will happen. We're only human

For so long I've had this phobia of making mistakes. I tend to get so hung up on mistakes and if a mistake happens, it seems like the end of the world.  What I've been trying to teach myself is that mistakes will happen. It's part of life and we're human. And what I really need to concentrate on is that mistakes should happen. It's those opportunities when a mistake happens that gives us opportunities to truly learn and develop.

Understanding that mistakes happen is a big key.  Get over it.  Move on.  It's part of life.







Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Short guide on perfectionism

I read an article today about "A short Guide to Taming Your Inner Perfectionist" that I wanted to share with you.

There were some interesting things to do in order to start to control your perfectionism, all things that I am definitely working on and have found helpful.

1) Monitor the big picture and not the small one. Stop trying to plan everything and handle issues as they arise. Do not worry about things that may not happen.

2) Set deadlines and stick to them. Don't get wrapped up on making things perfect past your deadline.

3) Don't fret about past mistakes. The past is the past and time to move on.

4) Stop waiting for the perfect time.  In reality, there never is really a perfect time, so just start now.

5) Tackle work one step at a time. Don't lose yourself thinking about the other things you need to accomplish.


Thursday, August 7, 2014

Perfect Conversations

In my head I tend to have perfect conversations.  Meaning, I've researched what I'm going to say, repeated it in my mind, changed around a few things and practiced and molded what I think is a perfect conversation. That happened to me today.

I wanted to have a "serious" talk about girls, love...whatever else came to mind...with my eleven year old son.  I had constructed the perfect conversation, of how I wanted to talk to him...where I was going to talk to him, how I was going to start off..what exactly I was going to say. I even researched an article about "how to talk to your kids about love." And so I began.. about 2 minutes into the conversation, I was completely losing him. Eyes rolling behind the head, thumbs twiddling, knees shaking. I knew I needed to do some differently.  My "perfect" conversation, was not so perfect. And I was looking like the idiot.  

My husband came into the room and said my God, it looks like you just told him his dog died. He was right. What I had molded in my head was clearly not the way I had planned it out or thought it was going to go.  My husband took over and within a few bright words, turned my son around and before you know it had him smiling.  That indeed was the perfect conversation I thought.

My point is, we've all had those moments, where we think of how we're going to say something, have something perfectly planned out, and the situation presents itself completely different. My learning moment today was to realize that I'm not perfect, there is no way to mold a perfect conversation. There is no way to tell exactly how a situation is going to take off, and you just need to go with it.  Just go from the heart and speak what feels right at that given moment. 

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Can't control the unknown

One of the biggest things I'm working on is trying to let go of the fact that I can't control the unknown.  I can't control what does not exist. That is, I can't control the future.  As a perfectionist, and as I mentioned before, I try to plan what's going to happen next, when really, no one knows with certainty what is going to happen next. There is no way to predict the future, or what it holds.  We can certainly shape our events and mold them to what we think or how we want the future to look like, but there are so many unknowns.

So instead of trying to control the future or having a delusion that that is possible, instead I'm working to accept this fact, and have trust in who I am and what I've done already. I'm accepting that I can't control the unknown. It's called life.



Thursday, July 3, 2014

How much time do you spend planning?

As a perfectionist, I tend to spend a lot of time planning the inevitable, making sure that I'm ready for anything that comes my way. Prepared for every situation.  My husband jokes with me that my car has everything and anything I would ever need for every situation.  And that's just how I like it.  Jackets in case it gets cold. Umbrellas in case it rains. Sunscreen for hot days. Blankets, extra clothes, probably a water bottle or two, sweatshirts and the list goes on.

But as I look at this I wonder if it's my excessive attention to detail, or if I'm really spending too much time planning for every possible situation. I wonder if I spend too much time living in the future, and not the present.

I'm learning that this feeling of "control" is just an illusion. I can't really control what happens to me in the future, but I can learn how to deal with this in a positive manner.

If you're like me and find yourself planning the inevitable, I suggest you take a step back and figure out how much time you really are spending planning out every moment. It may just create some margin in your life that you have been looking for.

Monday, June 23, 2014

When is taking it personally too much?

As a perfectionist, I tend to take things pretty personally.  Every setback, criticism or small joke, tends to error on my personal side much more.  But when is it too much? When it starts affecting your life.

As I'm healing I'm really focusing on trying to be more resilient and not take things so personal.  I know that I've been guilty of taking things over the line.  As perfectionists, we tend to beat ourselves up, or take every mistake or misstep and turn it into "I'm not good enough."

Just the other day, I got really defensive when I was criticized for being too emotional.  And in reality, it's really about self image and developing it, and I need to let go of being that way.  I need to give up on trying to take control and defend myself from any threats and stop taking things personal.

Monday, May 19, 2014

There are always choices

I have been working on reprogramming my ways, my thinking. 

And in order to reprogram my perfectionist ways, I have to reprogram my choices, my decisions, knowing that there are always other choices available. I can reflect on my messy house with only thinking of how I want to change it, correct it, clean it. Perfect it. Or I can make the choice to stop and accept that my house is the best way it can be at that given moment in time. It is as perfect as it’s going to get.

If I willingly know that there are other choices available, then I can understand that I don't only have one option. I have a choice. And choice involves two ways. I can choose one or the other.

I think so many times I felt as if my option was the only option available. That there were no choices available. I would take a situation (like my house) and think that the only available option is to clean it. When in reality like I said above, I have the choice to stop and accept that it is the best it will be at that moment.

Take time to realize that there are always choices. You can choose not to perfect a situation, and at any given moment, that situation is the best that it's going to get.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Not enough time to be perfect at everything

I tend to try to analyze my imperfections.  When it seems like I have analyzed one imperfection, paused, taken a moment to stop and reflect, the next imperfection is hitting me in the face.  What I mean by this is that I tend to analyze areas in my life where I'm not as perfect as can be, or things that I have done wrong, or areas where I've mistaken.  I analyze them, think about them and try to come up with ways on how to do better.

Just being good, is not good enough, I tell myself.  And so, I double my efforts, take care of myself less often, work harder, wake up earlier and try to do better. Analyzing imperfections is often my way of giving myself my own guilt trip, my own standard, my own understanding of what I did wrong.

But what ends up happening when I get in this vicious cycle, is just when I have one imperfection analyzed and thought out, the next imperfection comes skipping in.  In reality, I'm trying to be perfect at everything, and when I'm not, I consider that an imperfection.  And that's so wrong.  It's taken me a long time to comprehend this thought, but when we are not perfect, that does not by any means make us a failure....make an imperfection.  We don't have time to be perfect at everything. And we certainly don't have time to sit and analyze imperfections, trying every moment to make them better.  Like I said, it's taken me a long time to comprehend this thought, but it is a key revolution if you can train your mind to think about that. It will be a key point in your healing.

Monday, April 28, 2014

Imperfect moments

I think sometimes in my head I have these preconceived notions of how I think moments or events should or should not be.  I have already made judgment on how I think these events should go.

I tend to be a planner and I know that the perfectionist deep inside of me has tried to plan certain events to a 'T'.  However it's moments like this past Friday that really make me appreciative of imperfect moments, aka.. those moments that didn't go as planned.

Friday, we decided to take our boat out for the very first time.  It's maiden voyage was everything but perfect. It was up to the point that we had the boat, loaded on the trailer and hooked up to my hitch, that I realized I had forgotten to gas up the vehicle before we did all of that.  On top of that one of our trailer lights was not working.  So all in a 10 minutes span, I was unhooking the boat, and running to the gas station and getting a light bulb.  After that whole ordeal, we finally got out into the water. However on our way back we ended up killing the motor half way out on the lake, paddled for awhile until another boat came and rescued us and ended up being towed back to the dock. Once on the dock, my husband fell in the water. All in all with everything imperfect thing that happened, our kids turned to us and said "That was the best night ever!".  My jaw dropped. In my mind, my perfectly planned out night was a disaster, but in my child's mind, perfection.

I was silent.  It was amazing to me.

To hear those words, just made me think of all the moments that I tried to plan something out, or have a preconceived notion of how I wanted the event to go.  But really, I just needed to experience an imperfect moment, to then realize some of the best things are unplanned.  I have the choice to make any moments happy,  and I can choose to make imperfect moments, happy.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Just start

"Your success in life will be in direct proportion to what you do AFTER you do what you are expected to do."
----Brian Tracy


Now more than ever, put your perfection aside and just start.  Start what it is that you have been putting off because the timing was not perfect.  Start what you've been dreaming of but the perfect plan was not in place.

Now is your time.  Perfectionism does not need to get in the way.  Just start.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

"You are enough"

I think so many times we end up getting sucked into perfection, because we have this feeling or belief that perfection will protect us.  Protect us from maybe what is the unknown, maybe it is known.  Protect us from judgment, blame, or maybe even shame.  If we are perfect, or live perfect, or act perfect, than we can minimize these feelings, or altogether avoid them.

I've been observing my 9 year daughter lately on this very subject.  I know that deep down inside she has this great sense of feeling worthy, feeling loved, belonging.  And I know this.  I see it and everyday I try to nurture this need of hers with as much love and kisses, affirmations and shower of emotion that I can possibly give her.  But even with that, I still see her striving for perfection, or getting mad when things have to be perfect.  I told her just the other day, that I don't ever expect her to be perfect, I won't ever pass judgment on her if she's not perfect, and she should never be shamed of who she is.

We all need to feel worthy of love and belonging, and our worthiness is on the line when we feel like we are never enough.

I told this to my daughter and want to repeat it here today, "You are enough". 

 

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Growing everyday

Everyday I feel like I'm growing and learning from my perfectionism. It's certainly been a long process to be where I'm at today, but I know deep inside I'm growing.  I'm getting better. I'm healing.

The reason I know this, is that just the other week I spent latter part of a Friday afternoon planning a surprise trip for my husband's birthday.  I booked a hotel, planned out the entire day, found out what activities were open and where, made an appointment for while we there, I even went as far as creating a poem to surprise him with it.  I had planed what I call the "PERFECT VACATION!"  The only problem was I had done all of this planning  for a weekend that wasn't even free. It was the weekend that the kids were going to be gone.

Now, the reason I'm telling you all of this, is because I know, that even 10 months ago, I wouldn't have done anything like this.  Make a mistake that would have seemed so obvious.  But I did. I made a mistake, I'm not perfect. Move on I told myself.

And so I laughed out loud at myself.  HUH!  I said.  Oh well, I'll just call and change my reservations.  I didn't even get upset.  And that's when it hit me, that I'm healing.  You see, before, the perfectionist in me would have been torn down, beaten and defeated.  But not now.

My point is to let you know that you may be feeling these same feelings. Maybe it's you getting upset if you make a mistake, or book the wrong weekend.  The point is, you have to learn not to get upset.  Learn to let go. And yes my child, learn to grow everyday.


Sunday, January 26, 2014

Stop being scared of the future

Have you ever been scared to take the next step in your progress of life? Scared to move forward because you are afraid of what might happen?  Scared about the future?  Why is it that so many times we have these feelings in our head about what's going to happen in the future.  For so long, I was scared to take the next step, scared to move forward, because what if it wasn't perfect?  What if it wasn't the perfect moment?

I think that we as individuals have to start living our life, living it not being scared of what could happen, but living it, so that we are happy with what is happening.  Right now.  It's hard though, I get it. When you want everything in control. You want everything to turn out just perfectly. You want life to just go by easily and if it's all perfect, than the better.  But life isn't all about that.  You don't have to be scared to take the next step, or worry about what's waiting on the other side.  Just live in the present. It's amazing the power of this statement and how much this has really helped me heal. 

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Just be happy!

I think all women tend to beat themselves up a little bit if things don't work out just as planned.  I know for myself I have struggled with unreasonable expectations of both my life and myself. I get upset if some of those expectations don't work out. If only there was someone there every step of the way to teach us to be more accepting of ourselves, and just live life, even when things don't work out as planned, just think of how much happier we would be. 

I've been working on trying to not have those unrealistic expectations and just live.  If things work out as planned, than great, if not, than no worries.  I've been working on just living and being happy.


 

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Control your Perfectionism

For many years I struggled with trying to control all of my external chaos. I would try to control my house, my kids, the way people did things around me, my work and even my life. To me, if I had control of all of those things, than I would feel good, feel accomplished.  On top of that I had put this extreme goal in my head that if all of that was done perfectly, than everything was even better.  

What I wasn't realizing was that this need to control was really about me.  It wasn't about the people I was trying to control or the things I was controlling.  It was about a need that I was trying to fill. Or perhaps a fear that I had that I didn't even realize I had.  What really was happening was that I was trying to control all of this external chaos in my world, when really I was trying to control my own internal chaos.

For me, I needed to find out what was driving my need for control and perfectionism.  I needed to find out what I was afraid of.  Ask yourself this:  "What are you afraid people will conclude about you if you aren't perfect?  What do you know about you that you think everybody would see, if you didn't keep up this image?"  Once you find these answers than you begin your journey to control these feelings, control your perfectionism.