That moment you realize...

It's tough being a parent, I will be the first to admit.  But I also know it's just as tough being a kid. Today I was going through my 6th grader's backpack and found his empty wallet.  His wallet that once contained over $25 in cash and also a $25 gift card he got as a birthday present...completely empty.  I confronted my son and asked him what happened and why his wallet was empty and where everything went.  He confessed to me that he was bringing his wallet to school to buy stuff; pencils, small toys, supplies etc, from other kids.  Someone got wind of him having money at school and forced him to also give up his gift card.  Sad story, I know.  It's just one of those stories that kindof eats away at you, leaving you heart broken for a poor 6th grader who doesn't know better.

But the point of my story is this.  I think so many times as a perfectionist mom, I try to do the right thing, say the right thing, counsel the right away, and certainly discipline the right way.  But reality of this all is, is that life is not perfect.  I'm not always going to say the right thing or have things go the right way.  I'm not going to be perfect, and certainly, my son is not going to be perfect either.  Things are going to happen, mistakes are going to be made. 

But today, is the moment when my son texted me this morning, telling me he wanted to go home.  Go home because he felt guilty, go home because he was sad at what had happened, and go home because of how afraid he was that I was going to be mad.  It was that moment that I realized, nothing perfect was going to come out of this, so my mother instincts just came through. The best I can do is just be the best mom I can be today.   "Life is about learning, It's about making mistakes. Life is a learning game and we just have to move on and learn from it. Everything is going to be ok, and I'm not made at you. I love you. I'm just glad you are ok. It's all going to be ok."  That is what I texted back.

Life is definitely not perfect. That moment you realize that, and just allow yourself to accept the fact that mistakes are going to happen, is the moment we learn from it and just move on.

Control your Perfectionism

For many years I struggled with trying to control all of my external chaos. I would try to control my house, my kids, the way people did things around me, my work and even my life. To me, if I had control of all of those things, than I would feel good, feel accomplished.  On top of that I had put this extreme goal in my head that if all of that was done perfectly, than everything was even better.  

What I wasn't realizing was that this need to control was really about me.  It wasn't about the people I was trying to control or the things I was controlling.  It was about a need that I was trying to fill. Or perhaps a fear that I had that I didn't even realize I had.  What really was happening was that I was trying to control all of this external chaos in my world, when really I was trying to control my own internal chaos.

For me, I needed to find out what was driving my need for control and perfectionism.  I needed to find out what I was afraid of.  Ask yourself this:  "What are you afraid people will conclude about you if you aren't perfect?  What do you know about you that you think everybody would see, if you didn't keep up this image?"  Once you find these answers than you begin your journey to control these feelings, control your perfectionism.

Don't pass perfectionism onto your kids

Parents passing physical traits to their children is certainly an inevitable thing.  One can't really avoid that.  However passing character traits is something that can be controlled, especially if that trait is something like perfectionism.

I already know that my middle child who is 9 is a stemming flower waiting to bloom into a perfectionist.  She certainly got my genes on that one.  She is one to get mad if her books aren't lined up correctly, let alone in alphabetical order from tallest to shortest.  She's the type that will get mad if her little sister comes in and messes up her "perfect room."  Without knowing, I've somehow passed on those tendencies through my own expectations and behaviors.  Either way, there's no sense blaming myself, but rather, realize the problem and get it corrected.

What I've learned is that even at that this young age, I CAN help my child deal with perfectionism, letting her know that while it's wonderful to begin with this grand vision, it's also ok if the end result is different than the original plan. I've also been real honest with her, telling her that I'm dealing with the same types of thoughts and letting her know that it's something I'm trying to overcome. 

Part of my healing with my own perfectionism, is seeing what direct effect it is playing on my children.  And let me tell you, it's certainly kicking me in the butt, and jump starting what was before just a semi-active movement into a "hurry up and get over this thing."  Some advice today- don't pass perfectionism onto your kids. It's bad enough to have one perfectionist in the family, let alone any more.

 

Gratitude in your life

The other day I talked about being happy with the things in your life and grateful for everything you have.  I wanted to touch on this more today from a perfectionist point of view. I think often times, I was focusing on the wrong things in life. I was trying to shape every moment to fit my expectations rather than just welcoming it as a gift. Perfectionism was me trying to control every expectation.

Like the other day, I was getting mad when things weren't my way, rather than being grateful I had time with my family.  Or even grateful that I have a family.  I think so many times, perfectionism tends to look at situations as if there isn't any choice.  And in reality, it's about realizing you do have a choice.  You have a choice, right now to make gratitude a part of your life.  No matter what happens, you have a choice to interpret a situation how you want to and be thankful for those moments.

Think about this for a moment.  You are blessed. You have this amazing life that God has created for you.  Gratitude is about loving that life as it is.  For me, it's realizing that I don't have to change people, or change situations or try to control everything. I can love life just how it is. I don't have to try to mold anything to fit some superficial perfectionist expectation that not even myself can reach.

So today, work to put more gratitude in your life.  You'll be amazed at the results!

Who cares what others think?

A lot of what perfection is, constitutes what others think about you.  But it goes even deeper, and it's how you perceive yourself, or even worse, how you think others perceive you.


I think this is such a profound statement.  For so many years, my productivity was being dictated by the fear of other's judgment.  Meaning, I was so worried about being judged by others, that I felt this fear of loosing everything.

My excellence was such a narrowly defined perfection, that even I couldn't achieve some of the standards I had set for myself.  This self destruction was a recipe for disaster.  All these things in my head, What if I'm not a perfect parent?  What if I loose control? What if my house is a disaster, and the inevitable happens, and I get company?  What if my body isn't perfectly toned? What if I don't get that job, what if I don't get that interview? What if I don't get that promotion?  All these questions, were me making this preconceived notion that everyone else in the world would judge me, if any one of these questions were not answered correctly. 

What I've realized is this:  Who cares what others think?  Create inside of you a pathway that allows for you to separate results from judgment.  A pathway that allows for you to strive for the results that are best for you, and only you.  Study to learn instead of getting a perfect score, eat and exercise for piece of mind and health, rather than just simple weight targets. Clean/organize to be tidy, not to impress. And lastly live to be happy.  Not perfect.

Definition of perfectionist

I recently read the definition of a perfectionist:

"Perfectionists are often very precise, driven, extremely task-oriented individuals, who not only strive toward excellence, but also attempt to achieve flawlessness in whatever task they undertake"


Ah, yes, that would describe me.  No doubt about it.  And as some theorist believe that people may be predisposed to being a perfectionist, or perhaps born with the traits,  I believe that mine was due to a sum of several factors that actually got worse over time.

I certainly wasn't born this way, in fact wasn't even this way in High School. But my environment, my life experiences, my problem solving abilities, certainly led up to this. I really feel like it got worse over time.  First I noticed right after I had kids, I started to feel like I had to be in control.  Then it transpired into trying to be perfect, after my first husband left me and the kids and ended up in divorce.  When I had reached my lowest and had no where else to go but up, I decided to go back to school to get my master's degree.  Then full blown perfectionism set in.  Not only did I want to be perfect at school, but 99.9% wasn't good enough.  Even sometimes 100% wasn't good enough.  I know hard to believe.  But that's how the disease works.  It's demoralizing. Perfectionism makes you feel like you are never good enough.  You have to strive to always be more. 

And so, I finally realized the need to change.

Like anything else, most changes require regular, concerted effort on the part of the person desiring to make the change. I know that changing my behavior requires a consistent effort on my part.  But my advice to you today is to start slowly.  That's exactly what I'm doing.  One foot in front of the other.  Forming new habits and new beliefs.